You know, lately i been doing some really crazy things; dont know, i guess i am trying to spice up a life bordering on boring.
Anyways, i call them 'Outrageous Deed(s) of the Day'
The Debut was a few weeks ago
I get to skool at about 9:40am everyday, 10 mins past when i should actually be in class but whatever. 10 mins is not that bad joo, dont look at me funny.
Anyways, this also happens to be the time when 75% of students get to skool so the limited parking lot is usually busting at capacity. They already told us sef, that getting a parking permit (that we paid almost $100 for) does not guarantee you parking space. What?!! like hell it does, cos this dude right here gon just park in the daggone lanes and be outies!
when the lot is full, people try to work with other random spots that were not originally meant for parking but they allow sha as long as you have your $100 tag hanging from your mirror.
So while i was driving around the lot, amongst other drivers looking for space, time is going; its now almost 9:50am, i find a spot that can take two cars but there is only one car. Ope o, so i head for the place only to find out that this bastard son-of-a-biscuit-eating bulldog parked in the middle putting head in one spot and tail in the other, now no other car can fit in there. WTF!! i am livid. i was about to drive off in anger...wait a sec, "you gon let this fool get away with this shit? oh hell to the mthfkn No!" thats my evil twin talking.
So i am getting 'later' than i should be, looking for a space and this fool pulls this stunt? i gotta let him/her (i dont care) have it. So i pull up in the lane...and no, i did not scratch up the car or pop the mirrors or windows (thats for babes who have beefs with their ex-boyfies). lmao...i aint that crazy. I just did only the most civil thing to do. I sat in my car, pulled out paper and pen and wrote a stinker, double sided but then i was writing huge.
i did not get to make a copy of the master piece but i assure you that it was an award winning note.
i am pretty sure it started out like' 'Dear mthfkr' and somewhere in there, it said selfish, bastard, learn how to park properly, bullshit, fuck, hell, irresponsible, stupid jerk, etc. those were the key words, and it ended with 'yours, Pissed off Student'.
i then put it on the windshield and drove off, feeling really gratified. I was not even mad at all after i did that. That shit felt too good for real, y'all might wanna try it out someday.
And just in case you were wondering, i finally got a spot at about 10:00am.
Moral(s) of the story:
1. people need to learn how to park considerately
2. If you get really mad, just write a simple note. it works like magic!! lmao!!
As petty as this might sound, and i thought it was at first, i am sure it sent the message and i was appeased. The anger that could have blocked me from listening in class was let out through a single sheet of paper and some black ink. lmao!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Duped or The Greedy
Yahoozee, the Art.
You know, i am sick of folks calling 'naija pple' bad people because of YAHOOZEE stunts that we (they) pull. At first, it looked like a valid accusation but on closer scrutiny, it takes on a different look.
The way i see it, the YAHOOZER is just as dubious as the YAHOOZEE-EE
When they arrest the YAHOOZER, the YAHOOZEE-EE should be arrested too and sentenced to just as much, if not more, jail time as the YAHOOZER. The YAHOOZEE-EE should not be looked at as the 'victim' but as the 'accomplise'.
Only about 15% (my own rough estimate) of total YAHOOZEE proceedings actually victimize innocent people. The rest of the 85% actually take advantage of other peoples' 'dubiosities'.
popular scenarios:
1. They tell you that somebody you dont even know died in some God-forsaken place and there is nobody to claim the inheritance. After doing an internet name search, they found that you are the closest relative to the deceased. So please come and claim the 156 million Dollars. Your trifling arse knows that you are not related to this person; he is Indian and you are from Germany; yet you act like "oh yeah i know him. he is my second cousin fifteen times removed on my mother's father's side!" See your life? international thief thief!! you sef wan collect 156 million gbola wey you no know where e come from. They say "Oya, come and pay processing fees and taxes, then you get the money" it seems like a small price to pay for free $156 milly right? pshyc!...YOU DON JONZ!!!
2. Somebody tells you they have a discrete business proposal. They work with Central Bank of Calabar and there is some random money in the vault that belongs to Mr. Nobody. After we did an internet search, your name came up. they say, "we know you are a reliable, dependable, bla bla bla" toast you small, make you feel good about your greedy arse. So please contact us because we want to share that money with you. All you need to do is give us your name, sola-sola, addy, etc. P.S. dont tell nobody about this deal o! (red flag)
How you sef go believe say total strangers stumbled on free money and they chose to share it with you who they dont know from Adam? ODE!! OLODO!!
then next step is to western union some money to them to finish the processing, it seems like a small fee to pay for free $89 Milla...again, YOU JONZ!!!
3. We have a chemical, if you put $1 bills inside, they comes out as $100 bills. they show you samples. Abrakadabra! Your greedy arse begins to calcu..."so if i give them $1000, that will be equal to $100,000?" Thief!! you want to turn $1000 to $100,000, free $99k? i mean, some people even figure that the more money they can gather, the more it can transform cos its 100 time whatever you bring. then you have to buy the chemical. LMAO!! you freaking dunce! If they could actually turn $1 to $100, dont you think they would go get a loan themselves, change it to $1 bills and convert it to $100 bills for themselves? they had to come and ask you for money for chemical and everything...you go and borrow money plus all your life savings, 401k and all, and you give it to them, once again, YOU JONZ!!!
I can go on and on but i know you get my point by now. I am not trying to justify the art (because i consider it an art) of yahoozee, but i am just saying that the duped should be just as guilty, if not for anything, for "intent to commit a crime". I am sure claiming money thats not yours and money laundering are crimes; felonies if i may say so.
Lets not pile all the blame on the 'smart' YAHOOZER who understands the concept of human greed and take advantage of it. Lets turn some of the hot spot-light on the 'dumb'
YAHOOZEE-EE who out of greed and dubiousness lose all sensibilities and drop money for 'awon boys'.
I will be remiss if i dont mention tho, that i understand that some YAHOOZEE-EES are taken due to their genuine kindness, now that, i am totally against. We are loosing rep abroad and we are loosing kind people in this world because of that. So if you exploit peoples' kindness in your YAHOOZEE business ,you aint got my vote hommie.
However, as long as there are greedy fools out there, who are ready to break the law for millions, there should be YAHOOZERS out there to teach them a useful lesson. Thats all i am saying.
if you were not looking for freebies, you wont get duped...most of the time. lmao!
AWOF dey run belle!!
Disclaimer: The writer is not a YAHOOZER, just an observer who has seen and heard a lot of naija bashing due to the art of YAHOOZEE with no reference to the vices of the
YAHOOZEE-EE.
You know, i am sick of folks calling 'naija pple' bad people because of YAHOOZEE stunts that we (they) pull. At first, it looked like a valid accusation but on closer scrutiny, it takes on a different look.
The way i see it, the YAHOOZER is just as dubious as the YAHOOZEE-EE
When they arrest the YAHOOZER, the YAHOOZEE-EE should be arrested too and sentenced to just as much, if not more, jail time as the YAHOOZER. The YAHOOZEE-EE should not be looked at as the 'victim' but as the 'accomplise'.
Only about 15% (my own rough estimate) of total YAHOOZEE proceedings actually victimize innocent people. The rest of the 85% actually take advantage of other peoples' 'dubiosities'.
popular scenarios:
1. They tell you that somebody you dont even know died in some God-forsaken place and there is nobody to claim the inheritance. After doing an internet name search, they found that you are the closest relative to the deceased. So please come and claim the 156 million Dollars. Your trifling arse knows that you are not related to this person; he is Indian and you are from Germany; yet you act like "oh yeah i know him. he is my second cousin fifteen times removed on my mother's father's side!" See your life? international thief thief!! you sef wan collect 156 million gbola wey you no know where e come from. They say "Oya, come and pay processing fees and taxes, then you get the money" it seems like a small price to pay for free $156 milly right? pshyc!...YOU DON JONZ!!!
2. Somebody tells you they have a discrete business proposal. They work with Central Bank of Calabar and there is some random money in the vault that belongs to Mr. Nobody. After we did an internet search, your name came up. they say, "we know you are a reliable, dependable, bla bla bla" toast you small, make you feel good about your greedy arse. So please contact us because we want to share that money with you. All you need to do is give us your name, sola-sola, addy, etc. P.S. dont tell nobody about this deal o! (red flag)
How you sef go believe say total strangers stumbled on free money and they chose to share it with you who they dont know from Adam? ODE!! OLODO!!
then next step is to western union some money to them to finish the processing, it seems like a small fee to pay for free $89 Milla...again, YOU JONZ!!!
3. We have a chemical, if you put $1 bills inside, they comes out as $100 bills. they show you samples. Abrakadabra! Your greedy arse begins to calcu..."so if i give them $1000, that will be equal to $100,000?" Thief!! you want to turn $1000 to $100,000, free $99k? i mean, some people even figure that the more money they can gather, the more it can transform cos its 100 time whatever you bring. then you have to buy the chemical. LMAO!! you freaking dunce! If they could actually turn $1 to $100, dont you think they would go get a loan themselves, change it to $1 bills and convert it to $100 bills for themselves? they had to come and ask you for money for chemical and everything...you go and borrow money plus all your life savings, 401k and all, and you give it to them, once again, YOU JONZ!!!
I can go on and on but i know you get my point by now. I am not trying to justify the art (because i consider it an art) of yahoozee, but i am just saying that the duped should be just as guilty, if not for anything, for "intent to commit a crime". I am sure claiming money thats not yours and money laundering are crimes; felonies if i may say so.
Lets not pile all the blame on the 'smart' YAHOOZER who understands the concept of human greed and take advantage of it. Lets turn some of the hot spot-light on the 'dumb'
YAHOOZEE-EE who out of greed and dubiousness lose all sensibilities and drop money for 'awon boys'.
I will be remiss if i dont mention tho, that i understand that some YAHOOZEE-EES are taken due to their genuine kindness, now that, i am totally against. We are loosing rep abroad and we are loosing kind people in this world because of that. So if you exploit peoples' kindness in your YAHOOZEE business ,you aint got my vote hommie.
However, as long as there are greedy fools out there, who are ready to break the law for millions, there should be YAHOOZERS out there to teach them a useful lesson. Thats all i am saying.
if you were not looking for freebies, you wont get duped...most of the time. lmao!
AWOF dey run belle!!
Disclaimer: The writer is not a YAHOOZER, just an observer who has seen and heard a lot of naija bashing due to the art of YAHOOZEE with no reference to the vices of the
YAHOOZEE-EE.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
After-thought
onydchic inspired half this post.
She just mentioned about backseat drivers...and i decided to take it one step further...
Have you ever noticed how people can be ideal passengers when they dont know how to drive. They dont make any suggestions and everybody is happy.
Teach them how to drive or let them go and learn how to drive and the next thing you know, they are using the 'cosmetic' mirror on the sunshade to monitor traffic behind you, telling you when to shift lanes and ish. They be looking over their shoulder when you are trying to change lanes. If i could not drive, you would have been killed way before you learnt how to drive, riding with me without caution.
Now you can drive, nobody go fit hear word again!! pshew!!
And, oh yeah. today was annual review day at work. i did very well. When i read my review, i look myself say "all these on me? i try o" lol!! i even got a 2cent raise sef...Now i can go get me that sweet ride i been eyeing. lol!
Damn!! 2 posts in one day...do you feel the P? lol
She just mentioned about backseat drivers...and i decided to take it one step further...
Have you ever noticed how people can be ideal passengers when they dont know how to drive. They dont make any suggestions and everybody is happy.
Teach them how to drive or let them go and learn how to drive and the next thing you know, they are using the 'cosmetic' mirror on the sunshade to monitor traffic behind you, telling you when to shift lanes and ish. They be looking over their shoulder when you are trying to change lanes. If i could not drive, you would have been killed way before you learnt how to drive, riding with me without caution.
Now you can drive, nobody go fit hear word again!! pshew!!
And, oh yeah. today was annual review day at work. i did very well. When i read my review, i look myself say "all these on me? i try o" lol!! i even got a 2cent raise sef...Now i can go get me that sweet ride i been eyeing. lol!
Damn!! 2 posts in one day...do you feel the P? lol
InFiNiTy
I know...i know...
I have been AWOL for a minute, what can i say? the powers that be have been trying to hold me down...but they will not be able, insha allah!!
This one i knew i had to share with you guys...
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
When i heard this quote like 2 weeks ago, i actually laughed and thought in my mind, that dude is just bitter against the human race joo!
As if Albert heard me, he orchestrated an occurence to prove to me that just when you think you can hear nothing 'stupider', another one just springs up on you. It went like this:
I went to work as usual on this day but i was told that my station was temporarily changed so that i could be in the same room with a group that i normally communicate with via email. They were trying to make the relationship more personal; it did not work tho!!!
So while i am in this room with like 5 people, work is going on as usual until this molato girl comes in all ghetto fab, loud...you know the type. The moment she walked in, noise start o. we no go fit hear word again. She has an opinion about everything and she no even know jack shit!!
But of all the shit that rolled off her tongue and fell out her mouth, these two really made me apologize to Einstein for not believing him in the first place.
First:
Dude 1: mehn, i'm hungry. y'all want some food from the five guys down the road?
African Babe: no. i prefer jamaican.
Dude 1: oh yea! actually there is this jamaican place not too far from here, they serve this stuff they call plaintain. Its like bananas but its fried. That joint good (talking to the other dude in the room)
African babe: yup! plaintain is good. trust me
Dude 2: oh for real? cool lets try that then.
Molato: whachu 'caull' it again?
Dude 1: plaintains. i swear, i tried it once and i been going back ever since mehn.
Molato: oh hell no. I ain gon try that shit.
Dude 1: Why not?
Molato: I ain gon eat no shit that sound like Plantation
You need to have seen how my jaws dropped. If she was trying to be funny, it would have been a good, even great joke; but she was serious as a heart attack.
everybody was shocked but i was stunned because i could not believe that she was not making a joke. I am sure Albert was sticking his tongue out at me like "i told you so"
I was still recovering from the first blow to my sensibilities when the second one came and just knocked me out.
Dude 1: so i'm gonna get the lil jerk chicken joint wif the plaintain and some rice.
Dude 2: Whats the difference between jerk chicken and regular chicken?
Molato: Duh!! Jerk chicken is jerked!!
Silence........
All these stupidity from one single person's mouth in a space of 10 mins? gaddamn!!
I just looked straight at the sky and mouthed, " i will never disbelieve anything you say ever again Albert. you talk true!!"
Then they ask me, "InCog, why dont you ever say nothing?"
I say "nothing, i just be chillin."
in my mind, "cos y'all so stupid, i will be losing brain cells talking wif most of you!!"
i dont intend to be condescending but maybe its just this particular group.
I have been AWOL for a minute, what can i say? the powers that be have been trying to hold me down...but they will not be able, insha allah!!
This one i knew i had to share with you guys...
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
When i heard this quote like 2 weeks ago, i actually laughed and thought in my mind, that dude is just bitter against the human race joo!
As if Albert heard me, he orchestrated an occurence to prove to me that just when you think you can hear nothing 'stupider', another one just springs up on you. It went like this:
I went to work as usual on this day but i was told that my station was temporarily changed so that i could be in the same room with a group that i normally communicate with via email. They were trying to make the relationship more personal; it did not work tho!!!
So while i am in this room with like 5 people, work is going on as usual until this molato girl comes in all ghetto fab, loud...you know the type. The moment she walked in, noise start o. we no go fit hear word again. She has an opinion about everything and she no even know jack shit!!
But of all the shit that rolled off her tongue and fell out her mouth, these two really made me apologize to Einstein for not believing him in the first place.
First:
Dude 1: mehn, i'm hungry. y'all want some food from the five guys down the road?
African Babe: no. i prefer jamaican.
Dude 1: oh yea! actually there is this jamaican place not too far from here, they serve this stuff they call plaintain. Its like bananas but its fried. That joint good (talking to the other dude in the room)
African babe: yup! plaintain is good. trust me
Dude 2: oh for real? cool lets try that then.
Molato: whachu 'caull' it again?
Dude 1: plaintains. i swear, i tried it once and i been going back ever since mehn.
Molato: oh hell no. I ain gon try that shit.
Dude 1: Why not?
Molato: I ain gon eat no shit that sound like Plantation
You need to have seen how my jaws dropped. If she was trying to be funny, it would have been a good, even great joke; but she was serious as a heart attack.
everybody was shocked but i was stunned because i could not believe that she was not making a joke. I am sure Albert was sticking his tongue out at me like "i told you so"
I was still recovering from the first blow to my sensibilities when the second one came and just knocked me out.
Dude 1: so i'm gonna get the lil jerk chicken joint wif the plaintain and some rice.
Dude 2: Whats the difference between jerk chicken and regular chicken?
Molato: Duh!! Jerk chicken is jerked!!
Silence........
All these stupidity from one single person's mouth in a space of 10 mins? gaddamn!!
I just looked straight at the sky and mouthed, " i will never disbelieve anything you say ever again Albert. you talk true!!"
Then they ask me, "InCog, why dont you ever say nothing?"
I say "nothing, i just be chillin."
in my mind, "cos y'all so stupid, i will be losing brain cells talking wif most of you!!"
i dont intend to be condescending but maybe its just this particular group.
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