wey ya particulars

Blogville, I know i have been un-updated for a while; skool started and got me all confused mehn...creeped up on me before i realised it plus i went and acquired deadlines that are just...you know what, lets just go to the reason why i am typing now.

Recently, i have been remembering times i had in naija both before i left the first time and when i went home few years after that. This will be like a series.

this one was before i left...

I was 16 and lived in Ondo. not a lot of crazy exciting things happen in my little town but suddenly, like 20 different bands of armed-robbers discovered the town and basically just moved in to tap (rob) the seemingly untapped (unrobbed) populace. It was a crazy time and so the Osemawe (king) of the land asked for an influx of MoPol (mobile police) to come and get rid of these guys...

a little digression on the MoPol...I define them as the military forces of naija that have no regards for neither their own lives or others. They will shoot on a whim, tear you bu-la-la you for fun, just kick you around cos they are MoPol...My strong belief is that they dont have families waiting for them hence their recklessness. they r so crazy that they use them to discipline the actual po-po in naija. They r like the SWAT team on cheap steroids!!! plus they take bribes too...

anyways, so now we have like 20 bands of 'Alibaba and the forty theives' and like God-knows how many of these hooligan law enforcement guys, Omo are we in trouble or what?

The MoPol announced that after 6pm, they will mount road blocks and stop cars at random... i call it profiling... they will profile you on approach and decide if you are rip-off-able (my word), so, if you are male, young, nice car, look like you r feeling like smthn serious, driving crazy, a dude with many young girls in the car, not humble looking enough, look rich, a cab driver or they just dont like your ass from afar, the next thing you will hear is "PAK DIER!!!" which is the MoPol language for "Please Pull Over". if you have one or any combination of the qualities i mentioned earlier, you cant even escape it. Plus they are corking their assault rifles as they bellow the command...that can be scary if you r not used to that kind of shit.

ok, so like i said, i was 16 and coming back from a friends house at like 7:30pm driving a mercedes benz V-boot 230E blasting music like only a 16 year old would. I saw the MoPol and turned my music down and slowed down, put my windows down a bit and said nothing (error...you should start kissing their butts when you know u have at least one of the afore-mentioned qualities, saying things like "ah oga officer, how work naa? well done sir and such other butt-kissing statements)

Do i even need to tell you that the next thing i heard was like 3 of these monsters hollaring at me..."PAK DIER, PAK DIER!!!!" guns at the ready just in case i tried any 'too fast, too furious, tokyo drift sturves on them.

There was this myrth that if you have all your car papers (particulars), you will be fine cos then they got nothing on you...Psych!! Me, I pulled over withthat whole mindset about, "i got my shit right, they aint got nothing on me. they just straight tripping" I mean, by the time you hear "pak dier, if you were feeling high before, you shud be considering playing nice now but not this 16 year old who thought he was all that and more. They saw that so the rest of the conversation was like:

MoPol: "Wey ya patikulas?"

InCog: "oh, my particulars, hold on a sec" (i dey yarn pho-ne)

*hand them every simgle thing they could ask for, mopol looks at them nodding in acknowledgement and gives them back to me*

MoPol: "wey ya patikulas?" *he was stronging face o, trying to scare me but ur boy was un-fazed.



InCog: " I just gave you everything...did i leave any one out?" *genuinely confused, i swear, i was not trying to be smart wif dem*

MoPol: " I see wetin you give me. everytin dey dier, all dis one you dey yarn oyinbo give me...my friend, show me patikulas joo!!"

by this time, my door had been opened and i had been dragged out of the car...i was now standing there looking really stomped while they prepped up for the flogging of a life time they were about to deliver to this youngin.

InCog: "I already showed you everthing i have...i dont know what else is missing and even you said nothing is missing..."

MoPol: " na me you dey yarn grammar give ehn? you go hear wehn today when my bu-la-la reach ya back... i say make you give me patikulas, you sef give me patikulas..."(at this point, i did not know what my offence was but i knew i was in hot pepper soup)

InCog: "Oga, (note that he is oga now), Oga, what should i do now?"

MoPol: "you dey ask me? when i descend on ya back, you go know. firstofall, we go seize ya car because we think it is stolen..."

InCog: "but Oga, its my mummy's car. should i go bring my mummy?" (close to tears)

at this point, my family's popularity in town pays off and people that know me and identified our car started pulling over to see whats happening...uncle kay came up to us first...

Kay: "Officer, how you dey? wetin this boy do?"

( i am standing there looking like i was caught peeing on my self)

MoPol: "We stop dis fool, ask am for patikulas, and im give us him car patikulas... you sabi am? na ya boy?"

Kay: "Ah!!! Oga no vex...the boy no know anything...na pickin him be. i know am, na my oga pickin...(looking at me) why would you do that ehn?"

i was totally flabber-whelmed, still trying to figure out what bull-shit this is...

Kay: "Oya, oga, no vex joo...take this small change" (hands mopol a #200 bill)

MoPol: "ok, o...(looking at me smiling) God save you say dis your broda come help you o!!"

Kay: "Thank you Oga...na ma boy so please any other time he comes by, take care of him for me o...you don see im face well well?"

MoPol: "oh, i sabi am well well...im no get problem...na oga pickin now!!!"

Kay: "Oya, say thank you to officer!!"

InCog: "Thank you sir" (genuflecting)

Uncle kay and I walk away, towards my car.

Kay: "next time they ask for your particulars, it means money and they thought you knew that but was trying to be smart with them"

InCog: "Uncle, i did not know... but yea, i got it now. Thank you Uncle!"

I drive off...thanking my stars for Uncle Kay.

and trust me, i never forgot the meaning of 'patikulas' ever again!!

FATHER FORGIVE HIM, HE KNOWETH NOT WHAT HE JUST DID-ETH!!

I have over time figured out that different societies consider different things socially unacceptable and offensive...even sinful maybe.
Like how showing somebody your five fingers in yankee would mean hi or maybe bye at best. but those of us who know what it means know that it is worth knuckling up and knocking the winds out of the perpetrator. Where i come from, it is a disrespectful reference to your momma...if you r not a bastard, you will take that seriously!!
Anyways, to a large extent, swear words (i.e. fuck, shit, arse, et al) are absolute No-Nos in american society when social appearance is a major issue, if you are on a bus and you use these words and older folk hear you, if looks could kill, you will just drop like a fly. it is even more serious in church because it can even be called a sin when religion is involved; these words are bleeped out of national TV programs and never used in speeches (for the most part) AND DEFINITELY NEVER IN CHURCH!!! However, in naija, we tend to hear these words on TV, hear older folk using them without flinching...even when giving testimonies yea? like "... and i prayed and asked God to help me so i dont fuck this exam up because if i do, i will be in serious shit; and he answered my prayers." Its not a major issue, its...allowed. I actually had to tell my mum like 2 years ago that it was not OK to say things like that in public and she was like "ehn hen? i did not know o."

I said all that to say this...When people change environments really drastically, there should be an orientation program that can help them deal with that cultural shock. A welcome to Yankee...or Jand 101 course to be taken within the first 2 weeks of arrival where the dos and donts of the new environment are learnt, just so they dont go and do things like this guy did in my church today.
I will say in advance tho, that no be him fault...him no know...him dey try put the point across...ok, this is what had happened.

Choir practice on saturdays and my oga brought this new guy, said he just came fresh off the boat...and he is an alum of the greatest of all Universities; Obafemi Awolowo Uuniversity (a reason for me to be cool wif him, shallow as that sounds). For some reason, when people just land from naija, they go out of their way trying to impress people, not to be condescending cos i did it too when i first came and had an argument about the pronunciation of POPEYES Chicken...you dont even want to know how i pronounced it, but i digress. So ol'boy is on his best behavior, blasting phonetics from here to high heavens...but its ok, JJC and we understand naa.
A little altercation erupts and our friend feels the need to contribute (mind you, we are at choir rehearsal in church) his contribution goes thus:
"Praise the lord...in my little experience of music, everybody has different callings and not everybody can lead worship and also take solos. some can do one thing and some can do other things...you can't ask someone who knows only how to lead solos to lead the church in worship...the person will FUCK up..."
I will like to tell you the rest of his contribution but that was the last thing i heard before we all went into multiple seizures...convulsion...not as if we dont sometimes use those words BUT NOT IN CHURCH YOU...UGH!!! Apparently dude was clueless as to why the whole place went into confusion...he thought we did not agree with his point and proceeded to use the word a few more times to drive home his point...somebody finally let him know that we agreed with him but his language was inappropriate and he was just looking at us like WTF (there i use the word again...at least i no dey inside church)

I am sure Jesus understands that this dude did not know... honestly... FATHER FORGIVE HIM, HE KNOWETH NOT WHAT HE JUST DID-ETH!!!

You Got Voicemail

I have heard some pretty crazy voicemails in my calling years and these are just some of the craziest ones i remember...


1. Hello, I am not currently picking up calls because I can not deal with the bullshit that
humans seem to be full of. If you feel like it, leave a message and I just might give you a call
back when I get a better tolerance for the human bullshit, and if I don’t call you back, take
a hint….Beep!


2. Hello, Hello, I can’t hear you…oh hi, wassup? Hold on a sec……..ok, yeah, I just found out I
am not at home so please leave a message at the tone…Beep!


3. Hello, ishyo boi. Do what you do...Beep!


4. Hello, thank you for calling…Jesus loves you very much and he died for all your sins. He
died so you can live so please give your life to him today, he wants you to live eternally and
not perish in hell. Tomorrow may be too late, give your life to him today. If you want to
make this decision today, please join me as we pray, say after me…heavenly father…I come
to you today…I admit that I am a filthy sinner…I confess all of my sins…and I accept you as
my lord and savior… thank you lord for saving me…Amen…Beep!


5. Bless the lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless his holy name…thank you for
calling…we are not here, leave a message and we will call you back…if we don’t, rapture
probably took place already and you were left behind!!…Beep!

Dear God, I Beg You

I got this in an email today, and i totally feel that way. just thot to share it wif you guys, plus i find it funny too.
(future posts on my boss and job coming up)

The Year Two Thousand and Eight

2008- Year of Maximum Elevation!!

Happy new year y'all!!! This year brings with it a sense of great things to come. It comes with anticipation of wonderful advancements, with visions of unbelievable achievements. I like how 2008 feels, like i am about to play a home game against an already weak team (ManU VS Unwanyanwu Nationale); needless to say, Maximum Shishi is the potion of any opposition this year.
God told me (thru my pastor on new years eve) that he got my back this year and i am ready for him to lead me into his chocolate factory of superlative miracles (i dont even like chocolates that much but u get my drift).
I dont have grace for the slow traffic of mediocre living this year, i am ready for the Highway of miraculous advancement.
I go see better this year so tay, my mouth and that of the people wey dey look me no go fit close.

People go look me talk say "shuo! na only you!!!"

If you feel the same way let me hear you shout AMEN!!!!!!