Confessions of an innocent Naija Boy

No More Spam!!

2010-01-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

Quick Announcement Guys,
I am compelled to put a word verification on my blog for those who want to leave comments now because, as you might have noticed, these farts keep posting all kinds of retarded ish on my posts and prolly gets routed to some of your emails and fones. In other to Mitigate this, we will have to endure the word verification for a while. I apologize for any inconveniences this might cause you.
Mgt

lmao!! i no get work o! but anyway sha, u guys get the pikshure.

First Week of 2010

2010-01-06T16:55:00.001-08:00

You wont believe the week i have had! lmao
I cant even do anything but laff. I believe tho, that this week is going to be the worst week im going to have this year IJN!

So starting from Monday

Monday 01/04/2010:
Driving to work, I get pulled over by Victoria Police. He saw my tag and because my tag was purple instead of brown, he could tell that my registration had expired... He was really nice to me tho. i even talked myself out of having to leave my car there on the side of the road (thats what normally happens, car gets towed). But i got a ticket. He said he would let me go (cos i asked him if he could) but his camera has recorded my car and so he has to "process me". i got a ticket for $564. Went to work, tried not to be upset about the ticket (considering it was my fault) and managed to have a good day sha.

Tuesday 01/05/2010:
Didnt drive to work cos i didnt want to risk another ticket since i hadn't renewed my rego. So i drove to the train station 5 mins from my house. No, i didnt get another ticket. lol! it was misty that morning so i had to drive with headlights on. Got to the station in peace, got on the train and everything was good, except the walk from the train station to my office; an uphill walk of about 30 mins, lol. Work was okay that day tho; While i was there, i realized i could renew my rego online so i decided to go on with that. I paid $612 to do that. At least now, i can carry on driving to work. Work day over at 6pm and i take the train back to work, after a 30 minute downhill walk back to the station. When i got back to the station by my house, guess what i found.....Yep! Battery dead, i left my headlights on!!! WTF!!! Started looking for a mechanic to jump it for me, and i found one after like 20 mins. Drove home to drop my computer so i could head out to do some groceries, i had no food at home. I found out MY BATTERY WAS STILL FLAT!! (mind you, this is a new battery, 1 month old). So here i am stuck at home with a dead car and no food or any way to get out. i call around and somebody was supposed to come by to help me out... 3 hrs after he promised, he was no where to be found, not heard from him till today!! lmao. Went to bed hungry.

Wednesday 01/06/2010:
Had to walk to the train station at my house this time so i had to wake up like an hour earlier than normal. And i found out on this day that a 5 min drive is about 30 minutes of walking. lol! My work day was okay tho, except for the part where my boss kept sending me on an endless chase for the perfect PPT presentation. By the time i got back home in the evening, i had done a total of 2 hours of walking and 2 hours of train ride. but my car is still dead, so i walk around again for like 1 hour to find a mechanic thats still open at 7pm...obviously, a futile effort! Meanwhile, the chinese i ordered, for which i was charged $2 for delivery didnt arrive until like an hour later. I didnt even have grace to be mad. I just left the car there again and ate, and slept, with a plan not to go to work the next day. the blisters on my feet were pulsating as i drifted to sleep.

Thursday 01/07/2010:
While i was sleeping, i changed my mind and decided to go to work in the morning. (yes i think while i sleep) so i woke up and headed to work, didnt even think about my worries today, just did my work like i was supposed to. I have officially let everything go. Day went smoothly except at the end when my computer swallowed all the shit i spent about 4 hours doing. That happened about closing time so i just left it to fix it in the morning when i get back. Got a ride from work to the train station, and then my train gets held up for 45 mins cos of some nit-wits fighting on the train!! i stay calm, get home, order chinese, eat, and sleep. Pretty good day. I did notice my room looking like a pig-sty tho, i left all the stuff from my xmas/new year trip all over and cudnt be bothered. lol! oh, and somebody promised to come help me out with the car so i could drive to work tmaw, but cudnt show up eventually. I WASNT disappointed.

Friday 01/08/2010:
Woke up at the time when i shudda been at work!!! and i still had to walk to the train station and things. Ended up getting to work at almost 10am, and these damned aussie flies stayed in my face all the day! Anyways, work day is over now and i am heading home...Today has been good since i got to work sha. I have no expectations so there will be no disappointments.

Anyways, like i said, This will be my worst week of 2010 In Jesus Name.
Sorry about the post being a long thing jare. i just wanted to talk. lol

Im tweeting my blog now since everybody else is doing it, imma jump on the band wagon!

Happy New Year, Happy New Decade

2010-01-03T18:20:00.000-08:00

So i have had a hurricane in my head for the better part of the end of 2009, I do not think i have been so emotionally conflicted ever, but i managed to pull thru. I had support tho, and i thank God for the pple that were of help. They know themselves. The December 2009 was the culmination of all the mess and even tho i took a holiday, i really didnt. (i was in a really hot place btw, so i just satisfied myself with a vampire lifestyle, home all day, out all night. This kind of heat is not the let-me-get-sexy kind of heat. its the step-out-and-die kind. lol)
Anyways, so i made it into 2010 without losing my mind, even tho i came so damn close and so i have decided, No More!
2010 is the year where i begin to blow up, and is the start of the decade where i have a major lifestyle change for the better. therefore, there will be no more unneccesary headaches or pains. My BALLS, i take them back. My LIFE, im gonna enjoy it. I have learnt a few lessons and i wont be beaten d 3rd time. So, im directing all my energy into fruitful things like my MBA, career and a fucking settled future. No more ephemeral shit, no more trivialities, sentiments only get in your way guys, chuk it in d bin.
I wud suggest to others who might be having a hard time out there, i feel you and i think you shud just make a very very conscious decision to get out of the rut and get happy. Just do it.
Life is too short to spend time worrying and hurting over wishes. Action is the way to get ur realistic wishes.
I am really glad that i still have this medium, even tho i know i dont update very often. And i have to thank @solomonsydelle. she has been faithful on my blog even tho i have been less than reliable. Much love Mama Bomboy! lol
And to those retards advertising viagra and businesses on my posts as comments, i sincerely hope you die slow! real, real slow.
If by any slim chance, i get any new readers, thanks for coming out (in my mind now, this is my rant concert, lol) Stick around and I might show up with some real nice Melbourne/Australian Outback gist for ya!
see ya, cash ya, larra!!!
oh btw, im on twitter o www.twitter.com/incognaija

Fork It!!

2009-10-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

Just as i thot i knew what i was dealing with, i see a new thing, a new facet of shit that faces me.
my head feels like a million hammers are banging inside it...my mind is racing with thots. Who said i dont analyze? lol
fork it!!!

How Easily We Forget

2009-08-12T06:45:00.001-07:00

I stumbled on emails from 2003 and decided to browse through my life story as told by my emails... It is amazing how my life has gone from one place to the other and then the next.
I saw emails that made me smile, frown, think, wish, remember...I am telling you, a lot can be learned for the future if we look back.
I saw how i changed, how other people in my life changed, how people came and left, what kinds of ass-holes i met and the nice and awesome pple that came thru as well.
I even saw an email where i was telling smbdy how a friend had called me from naija to ask for money and i said i was broke; he asked me "Why are you always broke?" lmao! imagine the retard...funny times.
I saw love notes, fight notes, funny gists, emails for no reasons (like while we talking on the phone), emails to plan trips...
I saw how politically active i was at a time on campus, i saw emails of classmates sending me homeworks and labs cos i was too lazy to do them myself, lol! I saw emails to my profs lying abt shit to get out of work i was supposed to do...I was such a nuisance in undergrad!! lmao
I saw a few praise-worthy deeds, a few misdeeds...
I have always known that life is not perfect, but i just got a good reminder that my life is certainly not perfect.
Through everything tho, i am still here, 6 years later, Many changes later, Still Standing...
God gets the credit for that.

I know i havent been here in a while, you guys dont know the half of whats been going on...I will gist you all in folds, its a very long thing, actually, a bunch of long things.
I will tell you one of the bigger ones tho, I moved from America to Australia...Yes i now live in the city of Melbourne...More coming up.

Good to be back...will begin my rounds on ur blogs in a bit...see ya there. lol

Pollywood: The next big thing...

2009-04-25T12:47:00.001-07:00

Has anybody here heard about Sade OSU? Apparently, thats what she is now popularly known as.
Well, for those who dont know, lemme introduce you to the star of the very first Nigerian porn flick i ever saw. Yes, it was the first cos i saw another one right after it.
Anyways, so Sade OSU is this "sexually liberated" OSU student who took on a couple of guys in a battle of the Gonads, and had it documented and circulated.
The second one was apparently a Unilag babe who looked drugged and in my opinion, did not even know she was starring in a movie. I think the Lag ones got in trouble but lets go back to the OSU one.
My opinion is that if they wanted to make a flick like that, they should have made it well, setting, make-up and all. They just were so random about it, unorganized, the girl who was supposedly taking a shower decided to wash her ass on camera too so that soap wont enter her 'naughty place' during the act! that was just nasty. we did not need to see that. The guys were loud in the background and it took them a while to figure out what positions they wanted to do, mostly because i think the girl was high. She was not able to follow thru with anything...
I have to say tho, that she did have pretty awesone knockers...thats pretty much all i can say about our very own Sade OSU. She wasnt much to look at, so me i just focused on dem knockers which she spent a considerable amount of the time 'washing'. I really cant say much about the boys whose faces were conveniently excluded from the video.
I have not been in Naija for a while but i keep hearing about how my country has changed and is changing for the better. This is the latest one of the changes for the better. We now have a budding porn industry. wetin we go call that one naa, Pollywood? next thing we know, they start making the porn movies at the same rate as Nollywood (a movie is shot in a day and sometimes 2 movies concurrently!) and like Nollywood, Pollywood becomes the second largest porn movie industry after Hollywood! i swear, we r doing big things in Naija mehn. lol! i am so proud. I think i should invest in Pollywood now like Fred Amata and dem did in Nollywood so i can become a bigs boys too o.
Anyways, me i dont knock Sade OSU like some people are doing. I think she is only doing what she likes to do. Nobody can blame her or judge her so please LEAVE SADE OSU ALONE!!! lol
I was just thinking, what if she is a blogger? what if she is a blogger we all know and love? well then she will prolly read this and i am saying Kudos to you girl. Keep doing ur thing jare. you don discover ur own ministry, who are we to say otherwise?
As for the loser(s) who drug girls and tape them, or secretly tape girls while they r having sex with them, YOU ARE SOME NEVER-DO-WELL Losers. Fuck you.
For girls who are looking into a career in Pollywood, u might wanna holla at me cos i will be one of the behind the scene investors. i can sure get u a spot. and if u r a Nollywood drop-out also, u have a chance with us here at Pollywood.

Random Issues (running out of titles pple)

2009-03-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Lagos is one of the most expensive cities in the World? It is ranked 30th far above Los Angeles in the 55th position, just ridiculous!! And considering that LA is more expensive than most places in Yankee, its even more ridiculous. Las Gidi, our very own Eko Ile has become Africa's version of Upper Eastside NY!!
I have been shopping for hotel accommodation in Naija for a while now, hotels on the island actually; most hotels in the area average about $300 a night and above, even the crappy ones!! Thats just retarded. i would have never thot they cost that much... on top wetin? I have stayed in Las Vegas for a week for less or a little more than that, and NO! it was not hotel jangozo. lol! it was a good hotel on the strip sef.

Anyways, i have 2 options
- We can pass the offering basket around blogville so you all can donate and we can make this happen, a trust fund of sorts. I know Smaragd (my new blogboo) just got a new job so she can jump this off.
- If you have any information on better rates, holla at me.

in recent news...

The pastor of a church in Illinois was shot to death in the middle of service in front of his church members on sunday, can you imagine that? i mean, what will i do if my pastor was in the middle of a sermon...and then gunshots and pastor is down and out? It reminds me of a story i heard from my Uncle. They got robbed in church during a night vigil; the thieves said that if they had been paying their tithes, they wont be here! and when the robbers asked for the pastor, Omo, pastor denied in front of the whole congregation!! lmao!! if na you nko? My own question is "where are we safe now?" if we can get got in the house of God, where can we run to? if only one of these pastors will call down fire on these fools that disrespect the house of God... MSCHEW!!!

on a lighter note, I heard these 'yo momma' jokes, i just had to share..

1. Yo momma so old, they told her to act her age, so she died!!

2. Yo momma so fat, her driver's license says "picture continued on the other side"!!

3. Yo momma so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everybody!!

4. Yo momma so ugly, when she was born her mother said "what a treasure!!" and her father said "yes, lets go bury it!"

5. Yo momma so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared!!

6. Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1!

7. Yo momma so old, she was a waitress at the last supper!!

ok, i need to stop. if you have any good ones, lets see 'em.

You guys, dont forget o, i need hookups on hotel info in naija that wont cost me my whole year's salary...that or a you could just write me a check.

No Matter What

2009-03-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

I ain't dead, I ain't done
I ain't scared, I ain't run
But still I stand
No matter what pimpin here I am
No matter What
Remember I ain't break, I ain't fold
They hate me more
Yeah I know, Here I go
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
-T.I

I would say that's the story of my year so far... T.I. took those words right out of my mouth, lol.

'09 has been a crazy year for me; hit me like a truck, 18 wheeler! I had completely different pictures of what '09 will look like for me, but guess what... Somebody else had the camera and the pictures were different by eons.

I don't think things have ever gone as contrary to my plans as this year, but i think i get it now, time and a lot thinking seem to have delivered the message God was sending...NEW FOCAL POINT.

It is amazing how we always say "Man proposes but God disposes", but when God actually disposes, we get all bent out of shape. I am getting my own one-on-one lessons on 'Letting go and letting God deal with it', and to think i always said i liked change; the truth is that we like change when it suits our purposes, mostly selfish purposes. Anyhoos, i think i need to round this part of the post up.

What has InCog been up to? Well, i will do a quick run down of what my life has been like since jan 1st 2009.

First Sunday of the year saw me doing a 20 hour drive from my bustling, lively city and state of 5 years to a quiet, small, torpid country-ass skool town in the Midwest. 20 hours of straight driving through the night crossing 8 state lines...what a way to start the year right? My innocent kalista (my car, yes i named her. actually, a friend named her. lol) didn't find it funny at all even though she rose to the occasion and conquered every last 2000 miles of that trip and then some.
So new city and state, lonely, i jumped into the business of getting my ejumakation... i hate skool, lets not talk about it yet, don't want to foul my mood. lol

I became a cook all of a sudden, i guess being in a house alone for hours on end make you do somethings you would prolly never do. Refer to Kitchen trauma for my cooking history. With the help of Awesome friends, i have succeeded in making Stew a couple of times, Jollof Rice (of which, the first attempt was a total fuckery...trashed a whole big ass pot of nonsense i called jollof), baked chicken...next endeavor now is efo and YES I CAN!
i even passed out in the kitchen one day like that after a day of cooking sitting down and shayo-ing. I woke up 3am and found myself laid out across the kitchen counter, lmao! such is my love for the food factory now.
visited 4 new states since i got to this new place, i always left town on weekends so i don't get to feel sad and lonely. that's how i coped, i am fine now. i don't do that anymore, even tho i am writing this from my old city and state. yes, i ran back there...again. 2nd time so far, and i think i will be back in 2 weeks. i love this place, even though i spent fucking 3+ hours in traffic today just for a few minutes of actual business!

I did not want this post to be this long but seeing as i am trying to catch up for 2+ months of activities, i think i am doing a good job. will try to round up shortly sha.

Met the naija people in my new place...i NEEEED to gist you guys about them mehn...seriously, remind me. They r a trip! Some of them r really cool tho, i found out.

erm, what else? oh, of note is the fact that i apparently make faces when i am proper drunk. lmao! Thats what they told me sha, that i make funny faces... also, gist for later. remind me. hehe

Well, i am beginning to feel bad about the length of this thing so i will stop sha.

i aint gone nowhere, i am still here y'all.

STILL I STAND!!!

HomeWork...thanks Sola!

2009-02-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by Sola... supposedly as a thank you gift for being a part of the welcoming team.
I will sha do it sha...

Where's ur cell phone?
Looking at me from beside my laptop, wondering why i am not paying it so much attention. lol
Where's ur significant other?
Wish i could tell you *sob*
Your hair colour?
I am guessing black...
Your mother?
Most awesomest...Love her to bits.
Your father?
Really Awesome dude...Love him!
Your favorite things:
My wheels, My Blackberry...dont know what i will do without my BB
Your dream last night?
Something about getting back what i lost...
Your dream goal?
Owning my systems design company and getting it traded on the stock exchange.
The room you're in?
Living Room...in the middle of the day, feeling like a bum!
Your hobby?
Music, Travelling...
where u wanna be in six years?
Career balling with my brand new family by my side...see me for details
Where were you last night?
Watching the superbowl...Of course my boys won! Steeler Nation Holla!!!
What you're not?
I am not responsible for that pregnancy!!! lmao!
One of your wish list items:
A house.
Where you grew up?
Ondo town, Ondo State, Nigeria!!!
Last thing you did?
Ate noodles...i do that a lot these days...eat! (fyi: i no fat, trying to gain weight to no avail. lol)
What are you wearing?
White t-shirt, black hoodie and jeans houseboy knickers.
Your pet:
Have not had any recently. I had ferrets for a while tho. Cant wait to get my roc tho.
Your computer?
Has been my best friend for the past few weeks.
Your mood:
Quite ok now cos i have good company
Your car?
Is prolly my most prized possession right now....urm, yup!
Something you're not wearing?
Shoes.
Favorite store?
Any Dollar Store.
Your summer?
Have had awesome summers so far...this one is going to be different for me cos its going to be my first summer alone. Wish me luck.
Love someone?
hmmm, long story... I love my family and friends tho
Your favorite colour?
Royal Blue.
Last time you laughed?
Last Night
Last time you cried?
if u had asked me this question yesterday morning, i would have said 3 years ago at grand popc's funeral...but asking me this today, i will say yesterday, a bug flew into my eye. lol!
Are you a bitch?
I certainly hope not. lol!
Favorite pastime:
Music
Hater or lover:
I like to think i am a lover...i can hate pretty intensely too. lol
Genuine or fake:
I think i am genuine. never been called fake before so it stands at Genuine.
Any vices?
Procastination maybe, vain sometimes maybe. or maybe i am just perfect. lol
Pro life or wire hanger:
Its a matter of choice and circumstances...explanation will take a whole post.
Mccain or Obama:
Mc what? Barrizu Obizzu all day long!!
Pro-plastic or natural:
natural is always better but plastic has a way of just appealing to your senses from afar. lmao!!
Dream job?
Where the big bucks roll in...

This thing was like homework or like a project and i will like to pick my project partners...NaijaBabe, Smaragd, Honeywell, Icequeen, Funms and NDQ....if u heard ur name, please shout present, raise ur hand and come forward.

tawakalitu don shenj -leta from amerika

2009-01-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

Guys, i know i been away for quite some time. e get plenty plenty things wey dey shele wey dey ok, and e get some wey no suppose dey shele, but the remote control still dey Baba God hand. I dey kampe. lmao.

I been doing a lot of travelling lately and so i will use that as my excuse for not being around blogville that much...not the kinds of travelling i would have wanted this Xmas time but trips still. Anyways, so thats my story and i am sticking to it!!!

So i found this letter somewhere, i dont even remember where but i just had to share it wif u guys. i think i tweaked it here and there, lets hope i did not fk it up yet. lol

Here it goes:

My Dia Moda,

How are you? I hope you in the good kondishon of healt and hope efriting is fine in the fillage.
Mama I know oyibo sef talk am sey mother knows best but this wife wey you pick for me no good o!

I know sey you don spend plenty money on dowry but she no act reach for wetin we pay for am.
Effa since she enta house na so so wahala and complain. She reach here finish and her goat begin follow dog waka. First ting she wan do be say make I find am oyibo name because none of her friends dey bear Tawakalitu or sontin like dat.

The akata wife wey my friend marry to get Iwe Ilu don dey influence her tinking. Nowadays if I tell Tawa to press my singlet she go tell me to take my mouth touch am for yansh....me wey don dey here long time sef no sabi wetin dat one mean and if na dat kain play my friend dey play wit im wife na im palava be dat but me I no go copy dat kain ting.

Dem do small party for my work and as the proud son of my fada I wear dat Kembe with dog ear-ed cap wey you send me go. And my wife begin complain of how I no get shame dey wear outfit wey im trouser no cover knee well well go bankwet!

Eniwe as she see the look for my face she see sey I no dey gree shenj am and she sef come go shenj and you for see wetin she wear!

My moda na the same Tawa wey you write me sey dem take masquerade escort am enta plane be this? Agument begin afta dat becos the ting wey she sef wear no efen reach knee talkless to cover am!

Fodamore, she no sabi cook! Why dem no send am go Iya Sule buka make she get small training before dem send am come?

Mama when she stir Amala the lumps wey dey inside am big pass Joe Lasisi fist! And her stew nko? ha! E get sontin here wey dem dey call oodus-of-noodus (take style rezembu pepper soup small but E no get maggi or salt) with water wey look like dem juss take am wash hand after chop and na so her stew dey look and taste..and if I no chop am she go vex me! If no be sey I dey use palmwine push am through my troat I for dey starve. How pesin go take Eba chop stew wey dey flow go elbow?
Naija food she neffa sabi make finish and now Tawa don dey try cook oyibo food ..na so my wife go tanda for kitchen dey look inside book before she troway sontin for pot! The other day he come carry sontin put for my front talk sey na salad...who go follo am chop dat one? Emi ko!
Na only goat me I sabi sey dey chop cold leaf....for man like me wey dey proud sey aniting wey people for Lagos sef dey take two or three different pieces of metal chop me I fit use one hand do am you know sey this one don pass me...her time don reach O!

Moreofa...she no dey siddon for house for efening again sha! Na so her akata fren go come carry am commot for house waka go..so for two days I follo dem.
One day like this I follo dem enta one building wey inside one glass room dem line up and all of dem come dey jump up and down for notin! The place dey one kain funny sef...dem bicycle get pedal but if you use am the ting no dey comot for the same spot!
The nex time I follo dem na anoda surprise I get......I no sabi wetin I do this akata woman wey wan come turn my wife into AJEBOTA finish O!

Regular shoe no do am again na the one wey get tire underneath she come dey take waka for the place! I no know how dem fit dey do am sef...I try am afta dem comot and na so so yansh man pikin dey take nak for ground. She efen come get odasiti to tell me sey ma agemates dey chop iron ....sey me I no get any yams for leg.

Mama me I no know O...but I feel like sey make I return am. I no sabi wetin she dey take soup money buy as the kin food she dey chop no show for im bodi. The same Tawa wey we dey call 'Samba' for fillage come dey look like sey I dey suffer am...her trademark extra large yansh don run enta finish O! I suspect dat place wey she dey go jump but I no wan make she know sey I follo am....her neck now big pass ostrich own and if I say make she follo me chop pounded yam with assorted meat take pammy wash am down like we dey do for fillage she go begin complain sey fat dey inside! chei!!!!

For my own house I no fit light my pipe inside as she don carry 'No Smoking' sign put for parlor! Tawa wey no read pass primary two don dey blow the kin englis wey I no dey understand wetin she dey talk and she no dey practice with the sewing machine wey I buy am again ...how she go get job like she get for Naija for here?

Mama abeg gif me adfice as this one don tire me.....if to sey na Asake I carry come America E no go be like this..Asake no go shenj and she dey hear word from ma mouff....abeg reply in time before I commit O...

Na me,
your son
Kasali.

Slash and Burn!!!

2008-11-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

ok, so the U.S. economy is bad and this is no secret. We all have seen the events of the past few weeks with the stock exchange and everything. We even heard that companies are cutting jobs all over, this is no time to be in the job market.

Anyways, my boss called a meeting today and broke the news to us...His last day with the company is December 5th. Shock was the look we all had on our faces as this guy who we have grown used to for the last year told us randomly that he was leaving...he was laid off. His position was scrapped was what they said. Dont mix this with being fired. Fired is termination for your wrong doing, but when your position is scrapped, that means you have been erased. WOW!! Just like that...he was given 2 weeks to get his shit together and get the stepping!! all the supervisors i know and report to were fired, about 20 of them in total.

Well, considering the development, we were expecting to be informed as to who we should report to next. Anyways, we expected that info on monday but i had to leave early, about 7pm. I get a call from my 50 year old (who i will gist you all about later) at about 9pm...

she is manages to get it out...

50 year old: InCog, guess what?

InCog: what?

50 year old: we all got fired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying, she has been crying since before i called)

InCog: What?!!! stop playing girl!!

50 year old: i aint playing...our last day is December 20!! they called us into HR 2 at a time and gave us our lay-off papers. our whole department was scrapped!!!

anyways, the conversation goes on a while longer as my dear 50 year old laments to me about how she doesnt know what she is going to do now. She just got a big ass suburban truck, how in the hell is she going to pay for that in addition to her already huge bills? I sha put my preacher suit on and started 'encouraging her in the lord'. I think i did a pretty good job cos she stopped crying and started confessing positive along with me. She told me about how everybody else at work was a mess and i can imagine. There are single parents who have nothing to fall back on. there is a couple who both work for my company, both of them just got transferred here from florida 2 months ago and guess what!!! they both got their positions eliminated too. I really feel for my co-workers.

Good question, how do i have enough time to worry about all my co-workers and not about myself? i have not even spent a minute considering what evil just 'befell' me yea? how selfless am i, that i worry not about how my bills will get paid but stress out trying to figure out how my co-workers will survive their, our, predicament?!

Well, the bible says, (and dont ask me where in the bible, google it), the lines shall fall for me in good places or something like that. The whole idea is that everything will work together for my good!

ok, i was going to quit that job, i was at the point where i was contemplating, December 20 or 27, when do i quit? which is the exact reason why i had not put in my notice to quit. The lines fell for me in good places because apparently, we are all going to get a month extra of pay as severance package. Our last day is December 20 after which we get paid for another month. if i had put in a notice, i will lose out on the severance pay, but i have not put in any notice so officially, there is no talk of me quitting. Hence, i get to still 'quit' at the exact time i was contemplating, and still get paid for an extra month!!! Somebody shout halleluyah o!!! Amen!!!

I was unable to do any rejoicing of any sort, i had to spend all my time consoling those i spoke to and thinking of what kind of environment we are going to have on saturday when we go in cos, believe it or not, we still have to show up for work until that day. can you imagine that? Of course, some people don lost immediately they got their letters and talk say make nobody even follow them yarn any balls as per leaving early or coming late or not even coming at all!! lmao!!

i spoke with my friend who works with Unilever, he said the same thing has been happening across the board with them too. Its being called the Slash and Burn!! His boss had to fire 20% of the people in their California plant. can you imagine? Its funy how you hear about this stuff but it really does not become real for you until it hits home...and it just did for me!!

if this had happened any other time, i would have literarily died thinking of how my bills will get paid, and i do have huge bills. lol! things just really worked out so perfectly for me that instead of being at a loss, i get to stop working the exact time i wanted to and i even get a month's pay extra!!

My heart goes out to my co-workers that are now in limbo and dont have an idea what they are going to do to survive, pay bills and everything; and to all the hundreds of thousands of other american workers who have been or will be laid off. This too shall pass people, this too shall pass!!

anyways,

I got laid off today and i have no reason to be sad, i am truly blessed...truly!!

Where is InCog? Its a wrap!!!

2008-11-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

Public Service Announcement: I am not in jail y'all. lmao!!

I actually did not do the costume. it was a concept, and from the responses i got, quite scary and effective. Since i dont want to be the halloween scape goat, that costume will never be worn by me. i fit wind person make im wear am tho, i go carry camcorder follow am. if wahala sele, i carry my camera and vamoose...next stop, youtube!!

Anyways, i am here oh, biting my nails waiting for the verdict...whether i move to mexico or not!
so far, the electoral votes are at 206-83 in favor of Obama. 270 is the magic number...its not over till its over.

oh btw, i nearly killed 2 guys on jixers last week...na small e remain make i add murder(unintentional) to my list of sins. sha God save dem idiots.

as you can tell, this is just a collection of gist i can remember while i wait till McCain starts to cry.

what else o.............

emmmmm

shit! nothing. Anyways, i really cant focus now cos my mind dey CNN. I will come back with a well out together post later. let me go and get ready to celebrate.

Barrizu Obizu is in the hizzu for shizu!! the white hizzu i mean!

brb...

update: a few Hours later...

e se, e se o, e se o, es e baba!

Obama Won!!

There was actually a bulletproof glass protecting him from crazies that might want to be stupid!!

this is just too emotional mehn...all i can think about is history, MLK, Harriet Tubman and dem...this is huge.

I have a story to tell my grandkids, i was there when the first and prolly the only black president of America was elected....i was there yo!!

And for once, McCain gave an eloquent speech ...i think its because he was not lying this time. lol!!

I saw the emotions of the older african american people, being from an HBCU background, i feel it too, and i am proud!!

This is huge, i should have gone to the fraternity election party my fraternity was throwing today...i just did not want to go and McCain ends up winning. I guess we all kind of had that omenous feeling despite our faith in the Change movement.

I am not even american but i live here and i am proud more than anything that this country has actually grown more than we could have ever thought.

Kenya is mad with excited frenzy...i can only imagine what would have happened if that boy was half Nigerian...it will be an entirely different story entirely.

But as we rejoice, it should also be a time of sombre reflection...the lives that paid for this, the blood that was shed for this...

I could go on...

God Bless America!!!

Be Afraid...Be Veeeery Afraid!!!

2008-10-31T17:25:00.000-07:00

i am doing some major moving and i am doing it by myself so posting this blog in the middle of all that shows some serious multi tasking skills, especially when i am on a time crunch...4 hour countdown now to be out of here completely...

Anyways, today is halloween day and i just figured out my costume for tonight's parties...
it scares the crap outta pple, especially here in yankee, and when its a large group of people. i am sure pple will freak out bad, some will even call the cops just to be sure....
I am going as...

A SUICIDE BOMBER!!!!

i do realize that this might be a little 'kini' for some pple...no vex. I just figured if we are supposed to dress up as something and this is a 'scare-ful' day, it sucks that pple just see costumes and laugh these days...they should be scared, and i am sure that costume will do the trick with the help of like a hand held detonator that has a bright shiny red button so everybody can see it...and maybe a very loud explosion sound and some light effects everytime i push the button! im just saying *evil laugh*

I Wonder...

2008-10-23T19:25:00.001-07:00

I have always had questions that might seem rather eccentric... they make me wonder...i try to figure it out...i fail to figure it out...i get a terrible headache....i laff at the fact that i even thought about the topic in the first place. Conclusion: issue still unsolved

I will broach each topic with you all and see if any one of you will be able to find a way to decipher them.

Todays topic: How does one become a witch/wizard

I know that the first thing to come to mind is "getting food from the neighbourhood witch". However, that is in the case where the witch considered you a candidate and decided to initiate you.

My question is for the individual who wants to be a witch or wizard. Where does one get an application form? is there an application form? or is there like a universal 'i want to become a witch' sign that you can throw to indicate your interest? I wonder.

i got an idea when i first thought about this issue at the age of 13/14. It goes like this;
Since we know that witches and wizards out the feet up against the wall when they sleep in other to be able to be teleported into the realm of witchcraft. Does sleeping with my feet up on the wall indicate my interest in taking this diabolical trip? will they come get me if i sleep like that?

I mean, its not like the neighbourhood witch puts a sign up to announce her craft. I would have said, one could just walk up to the person and ask for a recommendation to the coven of witches.

We do not have any of the likes of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where we can enrol to learn some abrakadabra stunts, we dont have any witchcraft stores where we can get either manual or motorized flying broomsticks.

SO...i need somebody to answer the question...HOW DOES ONE BECOME A WITCH/WIZARD?

N.B. I did cook that stew...i made a few mistakes, i can definitely do better. Baby steps y'all...baby steps. lmao! and thankfully, no fire.

Kitchen Trauma

2008-10-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have been planning an event for about 2 months and its finally going to happen tomorrow night...i hope.

This event is...wait for it...the cooking of chicken stew. lmao!
I have been thinking about the day when i will cook the stew and i thought that the easiest way to go will be to use chicken.

I have always had issues with the kitchen. The way i was raised was such that when mumc was in the kitchen, we(my sister and i) had to be in her general vicinity for purposes of quick errands and stuff like that. God help you if she called you and you were not there and had no good excuse. we wouuld generally be walking around the kitchen (thankfully large enough for horse-play) sneaking dodo, pieces of meat or fish into our cheeks and competing to taste the stew for mumc, eager to recommend what spice was deficient or surplus.
My familiarity with the kitchen changed on the day i saw something i never until that day knew was possible....

Ok, this is how it happened...as usual, me and sis were goofing around in the kitchen and apparently, mumc was getting ready to cook stew. She had the oil sitting on the fire for apparently too long, it was smoking by now. I paid no attention since as far as i was concerened, mumc was the 'alpha and omega' of that kitchen and once she was in charge, nothing could go wrong. Unfortunately for me (because i am as far as i know, i am the only victim of that event) 'alpha and omega' just put the pepper in the oil still smoking hot and guess what...FIRE CAME OUT THE POT!!!!!!!

The metamorphosis from a playful, non-chalant incog to a frantic, scared-for-my-life incog is the stuff America's Funniest Home Videos are made of. I was on the floor, scared to death scampering for the door and screaming for daddy since apparently, 'alpha and omega' (mumc) just messed up and set the house on fire. Now that i think about it, it is just too hilarious that i did not think to save the 2 women in my life and just headed straight for survival alone. lol! I am sure mumc expected that fire but neglected to warn poor incog that she was about to make magic and create fire out of oil and pepper!

Anyway, moral lessons:
1. OIL+PEPPER = FIRE
2. The kitchen is not my friend
3. The door is the fastest getaway point in a kitchen

Based on those lessons, i decided that i will still stay AROUND when mumc is cooking but it will be AROUND THE DOOR. I will be posted up at the kitchen door either leading outside the building or into the main house but i had to be by the door and there was no moving me from there.

I was about 12 years old when this event took place and i have subconsciously conditioned myself to stay by the door anytime i wanted to stay with anybody in the kitchen. Several years later, i am still a kitchen bouncer...always by the door.

You can now see why my cooking chicken stew on my own for the first time is an event i had to psych myself up for for about 2 months.

I hope i can come back with good news as to how the event went.
I need to get instructions on what to buy and what to do before going in...i am on a mission...i am going to break the fear the kitchen holds over me...i say, enough is enough!!!

*whispering* "Cover me... I'm going in"

CrackBerry

2008-09-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

I started having some major bad pain around the base of my left thumb a few months ago, around the beginning of the summer...it was really bad. GF said that it was prolly because of my recent exertion on my hands at the gym with the lifting and everything...so much for gyming up to the 300 status. Anyways, i stopped and the pain left...for a while.
It resurfaced 3 days ago and it was so mad that i could not even pick up a book with my left hand. I was sha, managing my hand up and down sha.
today, i found out that i have tendonitis...this strain is actually called the 'texting tendonitis'! can you imagine? i have actually read a news article about it before. they were talking about blackberry addictions (which i already have, dont know what i will do without my BB), and texting problems. I just was like whatever.
On my BlackBerry, i text, yahoo messenger chat, email, BB messenger chat, facebook chat, facebook message, write on facebook walls and send texts and shit. I pride myself in been able to type an email just as fast on my phone as anybody else anywhere. Needless to say, i am almost always typing something...Alas, TEXTING TENDONITIS?!! OMG!!

Guess what? i have still been texting and doing all the other blackberry shinanigans all day today, even after i found out about my 'condition' lol! Talk about addiction...CrackBerry!!

I'm Back!!

2008-09-24T01:35:00.001-07:00

Actually i have been invisible, not totally absent.
I have been checking up on your blogs pretty regularly. The only problem is that i never left comments because the asses at the IT dept at my job blocked my access to that. But i have definitely been half around, getting my share of laffs, concern, and everything else that comes with your blogs.
Now, i am back...i swear, i am.
oya, allyurz, you said that you will be back when i get back...my journies have ended and i am back...joyfully announcing "Honey, i'm Hooooome!!!"

Sad Story...

2008-06-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is a real story of a young exUnilag girl whopassed away last month. Her name was Lola. She was hit by a train atOyingbo on her way to work at Apapa. She was working at the MTN call center. She had a boyfriend named Emeka, a banker who was recently transferred to Abuja.Both of them are true lovers even distance could notseparate them. They were always talking on the phone. You could never see her without her Cell phone.In fact she also changed Emeka's SIM from Celtelto MTN, so both of them can be on the same network, andsave on the cost of calls. She spends half of the day and most nights talking with Emeka because she gets free calls. Lola's family knows about theirrelationship. Emeka is very close with Lola's family in spite of the tribal differences. (just imagine their love). Before she passed away at LUTH she toldher friends 'If I pass away please bury me with my Cellphone' shealso said the same thing to her parents. After her death at LUTH, the attendants couldn't carry her bodyto the mortuary.A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't. They called more people and everybody tried to carry thebody, the result was still the same. Eventually, they called a person who knew one of her priests in church who had the gift of communicating with the dead. He sprinkled some salt and water on the body and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said 'this girl misses something here.' Then her friends told him about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He asked them to bring a coffin, then he opened it and placed her phone and sim card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the body.It could now be moved and they carried it away easily.Everyone was shocked and sad; they were so shocked that Lola's parents did not inform Emeka that Lola had passed away and buried her quickly because of all the unusual circumstances.After 2 weeks Emeka called Lola's mom..... Emeka:....'Aunty, I'm coming to the house today, it is Lola's birthday please I hope you will cook something nice for me. Don't tell Lola that I'm coming to Lagos today, I want to surprise her.' Her mother replied.....'OK You come to Lagos first, I want to tell you something very important.' After he came, they told him the truth about Lola. Emeka though that they we replaying an April fool's joke. He was laughing and said'don't try to fool me - tell Lola to come out, I have a Birthday gift for her. Please stop this nonsense'.Then they showed the original death certificate tohim.They also gave him other proof to make him believe.(Emeka started to sweat) He said... 'Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Emeka was shaking. Suddenly, Emeka's phone rang. 'he said, see this is from Lola, see this....' he showed the phone to Lola's family. All of them told him to answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines,no humming. It was the actual voice of Lola & there was no way others could use her staff sim card since it is nailed inside the casket before she was hurriedly buried. They were so shocked and asked for the same priest (who can speak with the souls of the dead) again. This time he brought his Bishop along to help solve this matter. He & his Bishop worked for 5 hours.Then they discovered one thing which really shocked them...

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MTN still has the best coverage!'MTN Everywhere you go' is true!! Where ever you go, MTN follows!!!

Help Me and Beg o!!!

2008-06-05T21:13:00.001-07:00

Everybody in Blogsville help me o!

I have been kicked out...

LOL! look at haters thinking

"ha! he got kicked out of ___________. God don catch am!!"
(fill that space with whatever was in your mind, and put it in your comments)

But really, i got kicked out and i feel very bad

Rejected and Dejected

i got kicked out of bumight's blog

She started a party and did not invite me.

Help me beg her royal highness o!!!

I WANT IN!!

N.B. Bumight, just incase you are reading this, i just had to put you on blast. i could not help it. lmao!

The Beast!!

2008-06-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

I walked into the mouth of this beast with my eyes open
The appeal of its wildness drew me in
i must admit, it wasnt such a beast in the beginning
It grew to the monstrosity that it now is
I thought it was "tamed"
Now i know better, now i see
This is not good for me
This is not a good place for me and i know it
I should turn around and leave this hedious creature
It keeps kicking me in the ass but...
Why cant i just leave?
Run away from this creature that makes my life so difficult?
I have a thousand and one and a half reasons to leave and not look back.
What reason do i have to stay?
I am turning around now, and walking out.
Thats it!!

This is not a poem o, before somebody (you know urself) comes and starts talking about "i dont like poems" lmao!
Its just a thought process.

if you tagged me, stand up, raise ur hands and close your eyes!

2008-05-23T00:09:00.001-07:00

even though it is work to be tagged and have to tag pple, at least i know that some people even bothered to tag me. i am sure there are some people somewhere on this blogville just watching who is being tagged and praying that they will get tagged soon...to those people, your day will come! lol!

Rules:

i. link the person(s) who tagged you...

ii. mention the rules in your blog

iii. tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...

iv. tag 6 following bloggers by linking them

v. leave comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged...

tininu, why did you have to join my hit list by tagging me? now i have to hunt you down ehn? well, sorry in advance sha!

i am prolly going to suck at this but whatever. Allyurz wont let me hear word if i dont do it so here goes nothing:

1. I like the dark. I always leave my lights off. I can be in the house and never turn on my lights. i live on light from the TV or my fone. My GF tries to talk about how she is a child of the light and turns on the light but that does not change the fact that I LIKE THE DARK!!

2. I like looking at myself. It is okay for a dude to look in the mirror a little just to make sure he is on point but i dont believe i can walk past a mirror or a reflecting surface for that matter without checking myself out. I am not saying i am a fine boy or anything, i just do it. I dont even know what i hope to find looking at myself that often. anyways, dont bring a reflecting surface or a mirror around me cos I LIKE TO LOOK AT MYSELF!!

3. I can't sleep if an issue is bothering me. If i have an issue on my mind, i cant sleep. The only way i will get sleep is to address it or get up and start typing. (i am up now at 3:26am cos i have an issue and here i am typing) proof enough? this nonsense just started too. i never used to be like that, i used to be able to sleep regardless but i went thru some trial times and i came out like this o. Sometimes i wanna talk an issue thru with GF, i cant sleep until i do but guess what...she is jonzing in la la land!

4. I smell my own fart. I almost always cant smell much because of a sinus situation, however, when i have the pleasure of enjoying my olfactory priviledges, i maximize it. I sometimes roll up my windows just before i drop the bomb. drop it, smell it and mediate a bit on how disgusting it smells and why it smells that bad, what i ate...then i shout "eewwww" and roll down my windows to save my self from death by smelling!! if it does not smell, i just hope for better luck next time.

5. I yarn and stretch a lot when i am tense or under pressure. if i am waiting for an interview or a public performance, i tend to yarn and stretch a lil too much. People around me think i have not had a lot of sleep cos i been preparing or some shit like that...na lie! na tension just dey catch me joo. If i am about to "toast" a babe, you are likely to see me yarning and stretching so, Allyurz, bumight, jaybabe, if you see me yarning in your direction, get ready for my proposal! lmao!

6. I have a tendency to track down people who tag me to do hectic things like this one...you know yourselves o, you better go hire body guards.

i cannot believe i did this. and guess what, as i was finishing number 6, i started remembering some more but i will resist the urge to continue. its been 2 hrs since i started trying to write this one. thats longer than i used to spend on freaking assignments sef! anyways, i have done it o, lemme hear word now.

And now, i get to lay the burden on 6 other people. thr problem is, considering the fact that i am just doing this now, all my potential victims prolly got tagged already but i will just do it anyways.

rayo, onydchic, bimpe...omo, i cant find 6 pple jare. i am going to bed!!!

and lest i forget, my graduation went fine, thanks for asking!! ok, i know i did not mention it that much but now i have...i graduated o, 1st graduate in my tribe! all my community money for school did not go to waste. can everybody shout hallelu!!

UPDATE: i just met somebody and i am welcoming her by tagging her...i give you MINKY!!! (standing ovation)

"Take Your Kid to Work" Day

2008-04-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

April 24, 2008: "Take your kid to work" day...

I had no clue, not like i had a kid to bring; of course, i could have loaned one from one of the families in my church but anyways, its all good.

I got to work and almost everybody had their little rugrats sitting beside them. It kindda looked cool, making everybody else feel left out for not having a child or not bringing yours today.

Anyways, it got me thinking...

I am sure that there are people who will not dare participate in this event due to the "special" nature of their jobs:

I thought of a few, if you know some more, abeg, add am join.

1. Strippers

Of course, i thought about them first...no prejudice. they do a heck of a job sliding up and down dem poles, tolerating raunchy old men and fine young men (like me) staring and ogling lecherously; sometimes even touching. They work hard for their money and i aint even mad at them; plus we know a lot of them were forced by circumstance into it. However, how you gon take your lil' munchkin to work? The only way it can work out is to take your daughter to show her an example of what not to do as an adult and take your son to show him an example of what to appreciate as an adult. LOL!

as an after thought, lets add porn stars to this group.

2. Patrol Cops

I mean, i understand that you r doing the community a huge service, keeping the hood corners and the streets safe...but you will be doing yourself a "huge Dis-service" by taking your child to the front lines of violence and crime. Several things can happen:

a. The child might see the life of criminals and be intruiged, get curious and vow to try it out someday.

b. The child might see the life of criminals and vow to be like you in the future to take these guys down... kindda good right?

c. The child might get hurt...these muthafuckers on the streets dont give a flying fuck about you and your kid. you are an enemy and all that is yours. Who knows, maybe the criminal actually brought his own kid to work...situation gets messy. lmao!!!

3. Criminals

Number 2 brought me here. Criminals ranging from petty theifs to Bank robbers to grand theft autos (thats what i wanna call them) to murderers to politicians.

I mean, what good can come out of taking your kid to work today? i dont see one.....oh wait....maybe if you get caught and arrested today; God forbid, killed...the Child might learn a thing or two about things not to do as a criminal so you dont get caught or killed. Or just swear off being a criminal, period!...even better. lmao! needless to say that the child will be needing several sessions with a head doctor!!

if you can think of anymore jobs like these ones, lemme know abeg.

I will be remiss if i dont mention the super cool jobs

1. Electrical Engineers:

i mean, that had to come first. we r just cool like that and we do a heck of a lot of cool stuff. all the kid will be saying all day is "AWESOME"

2. Doctors:

Depending on the area of specialization and what you expose the child to...it could go either ways; good or bad. but that does not remove from the fact that Doctors are supercool

3:Astronauts:

I mean, even adults still uhhh and ahhh about that stuff...shut up! you know you still do.

4: Pilots:

If you ever seen the view from the cock-pit mid flight, you know what i mean.

I can go on and on...again, if you wanna add to the list, be my guest.

P.S.
i remember going to work with both my folks at different times...anyday there was no school on a week day was "take your kid to work" day and it sucked after a while! The only place i like to go was my dad's hospital cos dem pretty young student nurses were always rubbing their brests against my head and i lurved it!!! lmao!!!

Buddha Call

2008-04-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

trust me, this will crack you up!!

freestyle blogging

2008-04-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

just writing from the top of my head...

WHAT I BEEN DOING:

I have been making changes in my life lately
I figured that since its not yet mid-year, i could still remix my resolutions...so i did!

I reloaded my life's barrel with the zeal to succeed

I registered for the GRE ( cant wait to get tha over with)
I finished one of my projects (one more to go)
I decided that expecting less from people leads to less dissapointments
I decided not to kill myself over issues; its not worth it
I caught up on naija's new music (i love gongo aso, lori le, flex and malaria soty)

LATEST FOOLISHNESS AT WORK:

My boss has been showing signs of kolomentality for a while now but today, he just convinced me that he might be suffering from a "brain attack"
He said he thinks his dog started talking to him a while ago...i mean i love dogs madly but i dont have conversations with my canine friends. At least not except as a joke or out of sarcasm...or when i am really mad at them, but whatever. This dude was actually trying to explain to us how it made sense that he has all of a sudden become Dr. Do-Little!! I swear, he thinks he is shaggy and his pooch is scooby. Anyways, thats the latest foolishness at my job sha.

I am currently at work and the IT guys slipped up today cos normally i can not so much as make comments on bloggers but i guess they goofed today, so i decided to use that opportunity to make this random entry. I swear i have more sensible things to talk about, just gimme 10 more days till i turn in all my course work and am done with this blasted BSc. I will drop some genius on you all after that; for now, all my genius is going into Xilinx, Verilog, logicworks, Motorola HC-12 programming, Matlab designs and the American Revolution.

Weird Telemarketing Call

2008-04-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

I am jejely doing my project o, very interesting thing like this. I am supposed to design a chip that controls a robot to identify obstructions, avoid them, bla bla bla. Some cool tech shit sha, but i digress.

So i was doing this fun stuff when i get a call from an unknown number. I pick up and its from India.This Indian dude starts by mutilating my name and then goes on a rolling spit about the product he's trying to sell to me. I could tell he was reading that shit right off a script. But i listened to him very quietly and politely. Let him run his rhymes to the end. I am polite like that plus i know he is doing his job. he asks me if i had any questions and i said no. do i have a checking account, i said yes. I already knew where this was going..."we want you to try our crappy product free for 10 days and then if you dont like it cancel; but first give us ur account number so we can have access to your account when you forget to cancel after 10 days, which we know you will. And even if you remember, we will make it so tedious for you to finish it" they wont actually say that red part...thats the fine-print.

I still did not oppose this nice Indian beneficiary of out-sourcing, despite the fact that my day-time minutes were burning. Then he transferred me to another Indian dude who was supposed to confirm the order that i have not yet even consented to...i guess my silence was consent in their script!
Sha, they kept saying we got your info from somewhere, so i asked this new guy, where did you get my info from...the rest of the conversation went like this:

InCog: Where did you guys get my info anyways?

Tmarketer: Our research group finds the info...

InCog: really? i dont like the fact that you guys know my address, phone number, name and i dont even know you. There is no telling what else you know. i dont like this...

Tmarketer: Well, we have your father's name and your social security number too

InCog: What? now that is pushing it...(this bitch cut me off!!!)

Tmarketer: SO can i go ahead and set you up?

InCog: NO!! i dont want it. You have my social security number...(this bitch cut me off again!!!)

Tmarketer: I also have you checking account number and your check card number...CLICK!

I am standing there looking like lucozade...WTF? then after like 20 seconds, i start laffing...these freaking dude must be fucking wif me...lmao!!

and i dont even know the name of the blasted company

Now, these fools got me looking at my account every 10 mins...

outrageous deed of the day

2008-03-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

You know, lately i been doing some really crazy things; dont know, i guess i am trying to spice up a life bordering on boring.

Anyways, i call them 'Outrageous Deed(s) of the Day'

The Debut was a few weeks ago

I get to skool at about 9:40am everyday, 10 mins past when i should actually be in class but whatever. 10 mins is not that bad joo, dont look at me funny.

Anyways, this also happens to be the time when 75% of students get to skool so the limited parking lot is usually busting at capacity. They already told us sef, that getting a parking permit (that we paid almost $100 for) does not guarantee you parking space. What?!! like hell it does, cos this dude right here gon just park in the daggone lanes and be outies!

when the lot is full, people try to work with other random spots that were not originally meant for parking but they allow sha as long as you have your $100 tag hanging from your mirror.

So while i was driving around the lot, amongst other drivers looking for space, time is going; its now almost 9:50am, i find a spot that can take two cars but there is only one car. Ope o, so i head for the place only to find out that this bastard son-of-a-biscuit-eating bulldog parked in the middle putting head in one spot and tail in the other, now no other car can fit in there. WTF!! i am livid. i was about to drive off in anger...wait a sec, "you gon let this fool get away with this shit? oh hell to the mthfkn No!" thats my evil twin talking.

So i am getting 'later' than i should be, looking for a space and this fool pulls this stunt? i gotta let him/her (i dont care) have it. So i pull up in the lane...and no, i did not scratch up the car or pop the mirrors or windows (thats for babes who have beefs with their ex-boyfies). lmao...i aint that crazy. I just did only the most civil thing to do. I sat in my car, pulled out paper and pen and wrote a stinker, double sided but then i was writing huge.

i did not get to make a copy of the master piece but i assure you that it was an award winning note.

i am pretty sure it started out like' 'Dear mthfkr' and somewhere in there, it said selfish, bastard, learn how to park properly, bullshit, fuck, hell, irresponsible, stupid jerk, etc. those were the key words, and it ended with 'yours, Pissed off Student'.

i then put it on the windshield and drove off, feeling really gratified. I was not even mad at all after i did that. That shit felt too good for real, y'all might wanna try it out someday.

And just in case you were wondering, i finally got a spot at about 10:00am.

Moral(s) of the story:

1. people need to learn how to park considerately

2. If you get really mad, just write a simple note. it works like magic!! lmao!!

As petty as this might sound, and i thought it was at first, i am sure it sent the message and i was appeased. The anger that could have blocked me from listening in class was let out through a single sheet of paper and some black ink. lmao!

The Duped or The Greedy

2008-03-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

Yahoozee, the Art.

You know, i am sick of folks calling 'naija pple' bad people because of YAHOOZEE stunts that we (they) pull. At first, it looked like a valid accusation but on closer scrutiny, it takes on a different look.

The way i see it, the YAHOOZER is just as dubious as the YAHOOZEE-EE
When they arrest the YAHOOZER, the YAHOOZEE-EE should be arrested too and sentenced to just as much, if not more, jail time as the YAHOOZER. The YAHOOZEE-EE should not be looked at as the 'victim' but as the 'accomplise'.

Only about 15% (my own rough estimate) of total YAHOOZEE proceedings actually victimize innocent people. The rest of the 85% actually take advantage of other peoples' 'dubiosities'.

popular scenarios:

1. They tell you that somebody you dont even know died in some God-forsaken place and there is nobody to claim the inheritance. After doing an internet name search, they found that you are the closest relative to the deceased. So please come and claim the 156 million Dollars. Your trifling arse knows that you are not related to this person; he is Indian and you are from Germany; yet you act like "oh yeah i know him. he is my second cousin fifteen times removed on my mother's father's side!" See your life? international thief thief!! you sef wan collect 156 million gbola wey you no know where e come from. They say "Oya, come and pay processing fees and taxes, then you get the money" it seems like a small price to pay for free $156 milly right? pshyc!...YOU DON JONZ!!!

2. Somebody tells you they have a discrete business proposal. They work with Central Bank of Calabar and there is some random money in the vault that belongs to Mr. Nobody. After we did an internet search, your name came up. they say, "we know you are a reliable, dependable, bla bla bla" toast you small, make you feel good about your greedy arse. So please contact us because we want to share that money with you. All you need to do is give us your name, sola-sola, addy, etc. P.S. dont tell nobody about this deal o! (red flag)
How you sef go believe say total strangers stumbled on free money and they chose to share it with you who they dont know from Adam? ODE!! OLODO!!
then next step is to western union some money to them to finish the processing, it seems like a small fee to pay for free $89 Milla...again, YOU JONZ!!!

3. We have a chemical, if you put $1 bills inside, they comes out as $100 bills. they show you samples. Abrakadabra! Your greedy arse begins to calcu..."so if i give them $1000, that will be equal to $100,000?" Thief!! you want to turn $1000 to $100,000, free $99k? i mean, some people even figure that the more money they can gather, the more it can transform cos its 100 time whatever you bring. then you have to buy the chemical. LMAO!! you freaking dunce! If they could actually turn $1 to $100, dont you think they would go get a loan themselves, change it to $1 bills and convert it to $100 bills for themselves? they had to come and ask you for money for chemical and everything...you go and borrow money plus all your life savings, 401k and all, and you give it to them, once again, YOU JONZ!!!

I can go on and on but i know you get my point by now. I am not trying to justify the art (because i consider it an art) of yahoozee, but i am just saying that the duped should be just as guilty, if not for anything, for "intent to commit a crime". I am sure claiming money thats not yours and money laundering are crimes; felonies if i may say so.

Lets not pile all the blame on the 'smart' YAHOOZER who understands the concept of human greed and take advantage of it. Lets turn some of the hot spot-light on the 'dumb'
YAHOOZEE-EE who out of greed and dubiousness lose all sensibilities and drop money for 'awon boys'.

I will be remiss if i dont mention tho, that i understand that some YAHOOZEE-EES are taken due to their genuine kindness, now that, i am totally against. We are loosing rep abroad and we are loosing kind people in this world because of that. So if you exploit peoples' kindness in your YAHOOZEE business ,you aint got my vote hommie.

However, as long as there are greedy fools out there, who are ready to break the law for millions, there should be YAHOOZERS out there to teach them a useful lesson. Thats all i am saying.

if you were not looking for freebies, you wont get duped...most of the time. lmao!

AWOF dey run belle!!

Disclaimer: The writer is not a YAHOOZER, just an observer who has seen and heard a lot of naija bashing due to the art of YAHOOZEE with no reference to the vices of the
YAHOOZEE-EE.

After-thought

2008-03-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

onydchic inspired half this post.

She just mentioned about backseat drivers...and i decided to take it one step further...

Have you ever noticed how people can be ideal passengers when they dont know how to drive. They dont make any suggestions and everybody is happy.

Teach them how to drive or let them go and learn how to drive and the next thing you know, they are using the 'cosmetic' mirror on the sunshade to monitor traffic behind you, telling you when to shift lanes and ish. They be looking over their shoulder when you are trying to change lanes. If i could not drive, you would have been killed way before you learnt how to drive, riding with me without caution.
Now you can drive, nobody go fit hear word again!! pshew!!

And, oh yeah. today was annual review day at work. i did very well. When i read my review, i look myself say "all these on me? i try o" lol!! i even got a 2cent raise sef...Now i can go get me that sweet ride i been eyeing. lol!

Damn!! 2 posts in one day...do you feel the P? lol

InFiNiTy

2008-03-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

I know...i know...
I have been AWOL for a minute, what can i say? the powers that be have been trying to hold me down...but they will not be able, insha allah!!

This one i knew i had to share with you guys...

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein

When i heard this quote like 2 weeks ago, i actually laughed and thought in my mind, that dude is just bitter against the human race joo!

As if Albert heard me, he orchestrated an occurence to prove to me that just when you think you can hear nothing 'stupider', another one just springs up on you. It went like this:

I went to work as usual on this day but i was told that my station was temporarily changed so that i could be in the same room with a group that i normally communicate with via email. They were trying to make the relationship more personal; it did not work tho!!!

So while i am in this room with like 5 people, work is going on as usual until this molato girl comes in all ghetto fab, loud...you know the type. The moment she walked in, noise start o. we no go fit hear word again. She has an opinion about everything and she no even know jack shit!!

But of all the shit that rolled off her tongue and fell out her mouth, these two really made me apologize to Einstein for not believing him in the first place.

First:

Dude 1: mehn, i'm hungry. y'all want some food from the five guys down the road?

African Babe: no. i prefer jamaican.

Dude 1: oh yea! actually there is this jamaican place not too far from here, they serve this stuff they call plaintain. Its like bananas but its fried. That joint good (talking to the other dude in the room)

African babe: yup! plaintain is good. trust me

Dude 2: oh for real? cool lets try that then.

Molato: whachu 'caull' it again?

Dude 1: plaintains. i swear, i tried it once and i been going back ever since mehn.

Molato: oh hell no. I ain gon try that shit.

Dude 1: Why not?

Molato: I ain gon eat no shit that sound like Plantation

You need to have seen how my jaws dropped. If she was trying to be funny, it would have been a good, even great joke; but she was serious as a heart attack.
everybody was shocked but i was stunned because i could not believe that she was not making a joke. I am sure Albert was sticking his tongue out at me like "i told you so"

I was still recovering from the first blow to my sensibilities when the second one came and just knocked me out.

Dude 1: so i'm gonna get the lil jerk chicken joint wif the plaintain and some rice.

Dude 2: Whats the difference between jerk chicken and regular chicken?

Molato: Duh!! Jerk chicken is jerked!!

Silence........

All these stupidity from one single person's mouth in a space of 10 mins? gaddamn!!

I just looked straight at the sky and mouthed, " i will never disbelieve anything you say ever again Albert. you talk true!!"

Then they ask me, "InCog, why dont you ever say nothing?"

I say "nothing, i just be chillin."

in my mind, "cos y'all so stupid, i will be losing brain cells talking wif most of you!!"

i dont intend to be condescending but maybe its just this particular group.

LiFe

2008-02-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

Life, flimsy as a candle in the wind...

The flimsy nature of life just really dawned on me this morning.

Getting to work on any given saturday morning is always laborious for me (whether or not i clubbed on friday night)
So my grouchy self was driving out to work at 8:forty something and i see that the cops have blocked off a major part of my trip.
WARRA HELL!!! these fools did not even give us a detour so i had gone into some neighbourhood trying to find a detour and i ended up exactly where i started, but by then the blockade was gone...Stupid police!!! I kept driving.
I later see the cops all parked beside a sleek SLK convertible Benzi, only when i got to the side of it did i realize what the problem was;
The whole of the drivers' side was ridden wif bullet holes. I did not start counting (cos i am not wif forensics) but it could not have been less than 20 holes. Like 5 on the driver's window and the window did not even shatter (benzis are good cars)
Of course, the driver lost his life!! just like that... a candle in the wind...
Dude must have just been either driving to or from his home early this morning o, minding his business (i know he was minding his business cos his windows were up. how much trouble can you make when your windows are up?), feeling good abt his life and his sweet ride and then some crazy dude just showered him wif 'hot pellets'. Maybe he did not even get the time to think "what the fuck is this hot metal burning into my body?" "who did this?" "why?" and all the other kinds of questions you can have at that moment.
Life is fleeting!!!

This also brought to mind the other dude that just walked into a class in Illinois and just started sending little hot metal packages with no names on them. if you catch it, its yours!!!
what the hell? I mean who goes to class and expects to get shot there? they actually tell kids to go to skool so they dont get shot up on the block and now the bullets have come to skool with us? thats prolly the last thing you will think.
They were prolly just thinking how boring this professor is and then in comes the sicko holding a gun, they think its a joke and next thing, he goes all Rambo/Commando on them. Again, people lost their lives; on a day they just thought to go and listen to a boring lecture? The second time a classroom turns into the middle east in a matter of seconds.
Life is fleeting!!

I mean, nobody goes out in the morning thinking, "i might get shot today" except of course, those in Iraq and other war zones; and even those ones have some kind of faith that they will not get shot TODAY. But those people who are NOT on the war front are getting killed just like that. It is crazy to think how one can be chilling and thinking about some random sturves one moment and the next thing you know, you feel it before you hear it; and thats it.

Moral of this write up:

Life is fleeting, thank God for every moment you get and use it to the best of your ability.
Make sure you pray to God for protection everyday, we are in the valley of the shadow of Bullets
When you are in class, get the biggest dude in your class to sit by the door and screen those coming in. Class Bouncer
Buy a bullet proof car if you can, if not, pray hard; especially if you live in the DMV

I thank God for my life, my Family, My loved ones, My friends, my Blog friends...and every one i know.
God please Protect us o!!

The more you look...

2008-02-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

maybe what you see is not what you see;
the mind has a way of fusing unrelated events
to conform to what is going thru it,
or maybe the events are actually related
and your mind is trying to disregard the obvious.
Life is full of mysteries;
Unraveling these mysteries
painful, blissful, or neither...
My $19.14 to you...
Just wait and let this fiasco unravel itself!!

It Was The Devil!!!

2008-02-08T16:29:00.000-08:00

This story came to mind as i was just gisting the other day and even tho, it was not a funny story when it happened, it cracked me up to think about those events that made up perhaps the biggest trouble i got in, minus the absolute biggest one (that one is tori for another day)

Anyways, i was in SS3 and my dad was working in another town. It was only my mum and I at home for the most part and i was beginning to feel like the 'man of the house'

My family was going through depression (financial) at the time and that is why my dad was out of town. Anyways, on this fateful weekend, my mum too had travelled and since our car could not make it, she had to go in PT (publik transport)

Digression...i just feel the need to tell you about our OYF (it got that name from its tag OY785F) as we used to call our one and only bat-mobile. It was a Toyota Crown, i dont even know the year but if i were to guess, i will say '83 cos it was bought brand new around a major event. Most of you never even heard of a crown yea? i know...Shildren of nowadays! Anyways, this car decides when it wants to go out, if it does not want to go, u can only try in vain. And if it has to go out, you have to pour libation (gas) on the cadburator (dont know if i spelt it right but whatever) to make it even start. If and when OYF decides to go out, it also reserves the rights to decide whether or not to come back home. It got to a point that once the car calls it quits, regardless of where we are, we just get out and hail a cab without any wahala, like nothing strange has happened. We just leave it there and get it towed later. Our sturves in the car was always collapsible so that we could pack up out of the car within seconds. Anyways that is OYF o!!!

As i was saying before sha, so u can understand why mumsy had to take PT to wherever it was she went this weekend sha. I had found out a couple of weeks before then that the key to the kitchen door could open the car door and start the car...LMAO!! i mean i dont know how i found out but i did sha.

So this weekend when i was home alone, it was a friday and mumsy just left. I was coming straight from skool and before i even got to the front door, i dropped my skool bag on the floor outside and went straight to the car, as if i was possessed by legion themselves!! I have never taken a lesson in driving but i figured out how to put the car into gear (i still dont know how that happened...i think the devil himself made sure the car got into gear without the right process just so he could kill me that day)

I drove the car forward and almost ran into the fence, i stopped short, adrenaline pumping, I backed up, over shot where the car stood b4 i went crazy, so i decided to just go forward a little so i could get back in the place it stood before...next thing i know was...GBOSA!!!!!!!! and the car was hollaring at the wall like it was a challenge, and the car was crushing towards me...apparently, i had the accelerator (gas) all the way down out of sheer terror instead of the brake...the car sha finally died sha... i nearly killed our labrador sef, that one just went on barking, either out of excitement or fear, i dont even know.

Ok, so now, poor family's only pangolo car that we were managing has been crashed and crushed by possessed son...

I was out of the car, assessed the damage and went straight into a crying frenzy...i just wanted to just enter the ground right there. The thot of even starting the car one more time did not even occur to me anymore...i tried to PUSH the car back into the place it was supposed to be...crying all the while. When i finally figured that i could not do this by myself, i ran down to the street corner where the auto villa was (when a mechanic is somewhere, there will be a vulcanizer, panel beater, painter, and every other person that works on a car there, its like a one-stop shop) They knew me and saw i was clearly in distress...conversation went thus:

Mech: InCog Ki lo sele? (InCog, What happened?)

InCog: Just come and look, i have killed myself today o!!

Mech: *laffs* what could it be?

by now, some of the other guys were gathering (smthn that easily happens in naija) they all followed me sha.

All(except me): BABA O!!!!! ehn? what did you do?

InCog: I dont know o, it was the devil o!! please look at it, hope its not too bad sha.

Mech: *looks at it and makes matters worse* Ahh!!! Babi o!!! you just killed it, it is way way way too much.

InCog: *lay on the floor* Mo gbe o!! Mo Daran!! Mo ti ku!!!

At this point, they could not even stop themselves from laffing cos i was saying all these in my fake yoruba as i did not speak yoruba well then. Me, i was just trying to express how dead i was and i am glad they found it funny. They sha told me not to worry, that they would try to take it to their shop and get it all fixed before mumsy comes back on sunday, free of charge. I was like profusely thanking them. They said bring it on saturday (tomorrow). Then they left and i ran inside the house and dropped my bag and decided to go out to a friend's house to kind of get over the events of the day...the storm seemed to be over

Yeah right!!! on my way out, i ran into my pesky aunt who was in Ilaro poly then and rarely came by our crib but she chose today and met me as i was about to catch the cab. I just gave her the keys to the house and ran into the cab, did not say anything to her abt the car. In my mind i was playing out her reaction and state of mind when she saw the wreck i made.

When i got back that night, she was on me like a wicked winsh (witch) asking me what happened and when i told her 'It was the devil' she started laffing...i told her not to worry that i would get it fixed tmaw...she was like, ehn? never o! your parents will see this one. I started begging her o, she was laffing as she told me that she wanted to make sure my folks saw it and make sure i got in this trouble. See me thinking i was in the clear before this winsh showed up. She derived a lot of pleasure from the fact that i was in some trouble and i was going to get in some more come sunday.

On saturday, even the mechanic guys came to beg her but she was just sitting there like queen Vashti or Jezebel with her feet on my life!! she totally refused o. Every once in a while, she will go look at the car and just burst out in hysterical laughter. Saturday passed and car was not fixed.

Sunday, I took the words "and we will dwell in the house of the lord forever" literarily mehn. Everybody left church, your boy pretended to be doing one work or the other for the lord...My pastor was like Praise the lord for your life son!!! you are blessed!! I waited in church till like 6pm that day, i knew that both my folks were home by now and had seen the damage and were proly preparing and stretching their muscles to just kill me when i get home. I di dnot even cab my way home, i walked...like an hour and half. I was half dead by the time i got home. My crazy aunt was at the door to open for me and was walking after me doing the 'you r in so much trouble' dance.

Anyways, I am happy to tell you that my parents actually decided that talking to me was a better idea than killing me, disappointment is an understatement as per the look on my aunts face. it looked like smbdy actually flogged her. In my heart, i was laffing my fkn blk ass off at her and blessing my folks endlessly in my mind for putting her to maximum shame. And i was thanking them verbally and 'dobale-ing' (prostrating) continuously in appreciation.

I must say tho, that i never ever went to the car without permission ever again!! i learnt my lesson...get rid of crazy aunts before they get you in trouble. I should have fed her our dogs food...

Anyways, I still maintain that IT WAS THE DEVIL...dont you see that it was a set up by lucifer himself to either kill me in that accident or get my folks to do it (kill me) when they see their dear old OYF...

wey ya particulars

2008-01-31T09:09:00.001-08:00

Blogville, I know i have been un-updated for a while; skool started and got me all confused mehn...creeped up on me before i realised it plus i went and acquired deadlines that are just...you know what, lets just go to the reason why i am typing now.

Recently, i have been remembering times i had in naija both before i left the first time and when i went home few years after that. This will be like a series.

this one was before i left...

I was 16 and lived in Ondo. not a lot of crazy exciting things happen in my little town but suddenly, like 20 different bands of armed-robbers discovered the town and basically just moved in to tap (rob) the seemingly untapped (unrobbed) populace. It was a crazy time and so the Osemawe (king) of the land asked for an influx of MoPol (mobile police) to come and get rid of these guys...

a little digression on the MoPol...I define them as the military forces of naija that have no regards for neither their own lives or others. They will shoot on a whim, tear you bu-la-la you for fun, just kick you around cos they are MoPol...My strong belief is that they dont have families waiting for them hence their recklessness. they r so crazy that they use them to discipline the actual po-po in naija. They r like the SWAT team on cheap steroids!!! plus they take bribes too...

anyways, so now we have like 20 bands of 'Alibaba and the forty theives' and like God-knows how many of these hooligan law enforcement guys, Omo are we in trouble or what?

The MoPol announced that after 6pm, they will mount road blocks and stop cars at random... i call it profiling... they will profile you on approach and decide if you are rip-off-able (my word), so, if you are male, young, nice car, look like you r feeling like smthn serious, driving crazy, a dude with many young girls in the car, not humble looking enough, look rich, a cab driver or they just dont like your ass from afar, the next thing you will hear is "PAK DIER!!!" which is the MoPol language for "Please Pull Over". if you have one or any combination of the qualities i mentioned earlier, you cant even escape it. Plus they are corking their assault rifles as they bellow the command...that can be scary if you r not used to that kind of shit.

ok, so like i said, i was 16 and coming back from a friends house at like 7:30pm driving a mercedes benz V-boot 230E blasting music like only a 16 year old would. I saw the MoPol and turned my music down and slowed down, put my windows down a bit and said nothing (error...you should start kissing their butts when you know u have at least one of the afore-mentioned qualities, saying things like "ah oga officer, how work naa? well done sir and such other butt-kissing statements)

Do i even need to tell you that the next thing i heard was like 3 of these monsters hollaring at me..."PAK DIER, PAK DIER!!!!" guns at the ready just in case i tried any 'too fast, too furious, tokyo drift sturves on them.

There was this myrth that if you have all your car papers (particulars), you will be fine cos then they got nothing on you...Psych!! Me, I pulled over withthat whole mindset about, "i got my shit right, they aint got nothing on me. they just straight tripping" I mean, by the time you hear "pak dier, if you were feeling high before, you shud be considering playing nice now but not this 16 year old who thought he was all that and more. They saw that so the rest of the conversation was like:

MoPol: "Wey ya patikulas?"

InCog: "oh, my particulars, hold on a sec" (i dey yarn pho-ne)

*hand them every simgle thing they could ask for, mopol looks at them nodding in acknowledgement and gives them back to me*

MoPol: "wey ya patikulas?" *he was stronging face o, trying to scare me but ur boy was un-fazed.

InCog: " I just gave you everything...did i leave any one out?" *genuinely confused, i swear, i was not trying to be smart wif dem*

MoPol: " I see wetin you give me. everytin dey dier, all dis one you dey yarn oyinbo give me...my friend, show me patikulas joo!!"

by this time, my door had been opened and i had been dragged out of the car...i was now standing there looking really stomped while they prepped up for the flogging of a life time they were about to deliver to this youngin.

InCog: "I already showed you everthing i have...i dont know what else is missing and even you said nothing is missing..."

MoPol: " na me you dey yarn grammar give ehn? you go hear wehn today when my bu-la-la reach ya back... i say make you give me patikulas, you sef give me patikulas..."(at this point, i did not know what my offence was but i knew i was in hot pepper soup)

InCog: "Oga, (note that he is oga now), Oga, what should i do now?"

MoPol: "you dey ask me? when i descend on ya back, you go know. firstofall, we go seize ya car because we think it is stolen..."

InCog: "but Oga, its my mummy's car. should i go bring my mummy?" (close to tears)

at this point, my family's popularity in town pays off and people that know me and identified our car started pulling over to see whats happening...uncle kay came up to us first...

Kay: "Officer, how you dey? wetin this boy do?"

( i am standing there looking like i was caught peeing on my self)

MoPol: "We stop dis fool, ask am for patikulas, and im give us him car patikulas... you sabi am? na ya boy?"

Kay: "Ah!!! Oga no vex...the boy no know anything...na pickin him be. i know am, na my oga pickin...(looking at me) why would you do that ehn?"

i was totally flabber-whelmed, still trying to figure out what bull-shit this is...

Kay: "Oya, oga, no vex joo...take this small change" (hands mopol a #200 bill)

MoPol: "ok, o...(looking at me smiling) God save you say dis your broda come help you o!!"

Kay: "Thank you Oga...na ma boy so please any other time he comes by, take care of him for me o...you don see im face well well?"

MoPol: "oh, i sabi am well well...im no get problem...na oga pickin now!!!"

Kay: "Oya, say thank you to officer!!"

InCog: "Thank you sir" (genuflecting)

Uncle kay and I walk away, towards my car.

Kay: "next time they ask for your particulars, it means money and they thought you knew that but was trying to be smart with them"

InCog: "Uncle, i did not know... but yea, i got it now. Thank you Uncle!"

I drive off...thanking my stars for Uncle Kay.

and trust me, i never forgot the meaning of 'patikulas' ever again!!

FATHER FORGIVE HIM, HE KNOWETH NOT WHAT HE JUST DID-ETH!!

2008-01-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

I have over time figured out that different societies consider different things socially unacceptable and offensive...even sinful maybe.
Like how showing somebody your five fingers in yankee would mean hi or maybe bye at best. but those of us who know what it means know that it is worth knuckling up and knocking the winds out of the perpetrator. Where i come from, it is a disrespectful reference to your momma...if you r not a bastard, you will take that seriously!!
Anyways, to a large extent, swear words (i.e. fuck, shit, arse, et al) are absolute No-Nos in american society when social appearance is a major issue, if you are on a bus and you use these words and older folk hear you, if looks could kill, you will just drop like a fly. it is even more serious in church because it can even be called a sin when religion is involved; these words are bleeped out of national TV programs and never used in speeches (for the most part) AND DEFINITELY NEVER IN CHURCH!!! However, in naija, we tend to hear these words on TV, hear older folk using them without flinching...even when giving testimonies yea? like "... and i prayed and asked God to help me so i dont fuck this exam up because if i do, i will be in serious shit; and he answered my prayers." Its not a major issue, its...allowed. I actually had to tell my mum like 2 years ago that it was not OK to say things like that in public and she was like "ehn hen? i did not know o."

I said all that to say this...When people change environments really drastically, there should be an orientation program that can help them deal with that cultural shock. A welcome to Yankee...or Jand 101 course to be taken within the first 2 weeks of arrival where the dos and donts of the new environment are learnt, just so they dont go and do things like this guy did in my church today.
I will say in advance tho, that no be him fault...him no know...him dey try put the point across...ok, this is what had happened.

Choir practice on saturdays and my oga brought this new guy, said he just came fresh off the boat...and he is an alum of the greatest of all Universities; Obafemi Awolowo Uuniversity (a reason for me to be cool wif him, shallow as that sounds). For some reason, when people just land from naija, they go out of their way trying to impress people, not to be condescending cos i did it too when i first came and had an argument about the pronunciation of POPEYES Chicken...you dont even want to know how i pronounced it, but i digress. So ol'boy is on his best behavior, blasting phonetics from here to high heavens...but its ok, JJC and we understand naa.
A little altercation erupts and our friend feels the need to contribute (mind you, we are at choir rehearsal in church) his contribution goes thus:
"Praise the lord...in my little experience of music, everybody has different callings and not everybody can lead worship and also take solos. some can do one thing and some can do other things...you can't ask someone who knows only how to lead solos to lead the church in worship...the person will FUCK up..."
I will like to tell you the rest of his contribution but that was the last thing i heard before we all went into multiple seizures...convulsion...not as if we dont sometimes use those words BUT NOT IN CHURCH YOU...UGH!!! Apparently dude was clueless as to why the whole place went into confusion...he thought we did not agree with his point and proceeded to use the word a few more times to drive home his point...somebody finally let him know that we agreed with him but his language was inappropriate and he was just looking at us like WTF (there i use the word again...at least i no dey inside church)

I am sure Jesus understands that this dude did not know... honestly... FATHER FORGIVE HIM, HE KNOWETH NOT WHAT HE JUST DID-ETH!!!

You Got Voicemail

2008-01-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have heard some pretty crazy voicemails in my calling years and these are just some of the craziest ones i remember...

1. Hello, I am not currently picking up calls because I can not deal with the bullshit that
humans seem to be full of. If you feel like it, leave a message and I just might give you a call
back when I get a better tolerance for the human bullshit, and if I don’t call you back, take
a hint….Beep!

2. Hello, Hello, I can’t hear you…oh hi, wassup? Hold on a sec……..ok, yeah, I just found out I
am not at home so please leave a message at the tone…Beep!

3. Hello, ishyo boi. Do what you do...Beep!

4. Hello, thank you for calling…Jesus loves you very much and he died for all your sins. He
died so you can live so please give your life to him today, he wants you to live eternally and
not perish in hell. Tomorrow may be too late, give your life to him today. If you want to
make this decision today, please join me as we pray, say after me…heavenly father…I come
to you today…I admit that I am a filthy sinner…I confess all of my sins…and I accept you as
my lord and savior… thank you lord for saving me…Amen…Beep!

5. Bless the lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless his holy name…thank you for
calling…we are not here, leave a message and we will call you back…if we don’t, rapture
probably took place already and you were left behind!!…Beep!

Dear God, I Beg You

2008-01-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

I got this in an email today, and i totally feel that way. just thot to share it wif you guys, plus i find it funny too.
(future posts on my boss and job coming up)

The Year Two Thousand and Eight

2008-01-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

2008- Year of Maximum Elevation!!

Happy new year y'all!!! This year brings with it a sense of great things to come. It comes with anticipation of wonderful advancements, with visions of unbelievable achievements. I like how 2008 feels, like i am about to play a home game against an already weak team (ManU VS Unwanyanwu Nationale); needless to say, Maximum Shishi is the potion of any opposition this year.
God told me (thru my pastor on new years eve) that he got my back this year and i am ready for him to lead me into his chocolate factory of superlative miracles (i dont even like chocolates that much but u get my drift).
I dont have grace for the slow traffic of mediocre living this year, i am ready for the Highway of miraculous advancement.
I go see better this year so tay, my mouth and that of the people wey dey look me no go fit close.

People go look me talk say "shuo! na only you!!!"

If you feel the same way let me hear you shout AMEN!!!!!!

I AM A CULT MEMBER, NO?

2007-11-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

For all those who were raised in naija, we know what cults are, and the rep they have in our universities. Truth is they are a bad bunch, killers, bullies, rich spoilt kids who are really bored and... u know what, i need to stop before one of them comes and gets me. lmao!!!
But, anyway, we know about the notorious "eye" (bird) confraternity, black axe confraternity and the rest. And you know your parents will be crushed to know that you were bullied into being a member (as is usually the case) let alone that u joined voluntarily.
In yankee, we all know about fraternities and sororities. at least, we have an idea of what they are, what they do and represent, but if you really get the true opinion of the naija community, all na cult!! its all a fancy cover for cultist activities, they say. I know that not all naija pple in diaspora think that, but a heck of a lot of them do.
So when i just came to yankee, i was pre-sensitized to make sure that i never venture near them o, but in my junior year, i went and joined a fraternity. I will give you just two clues, It is a part of the pan-hellenic council and the first fraternity to cane step (i bet you all will get that wrong).
Anyway, the koks of this blog is that, i have gotten many spiteful looks and comments when fellow countrypple of mine find that i am a frat, they tend to get cautious and a tad hostile. Ki lo de? what did i do to you? ehn? do you know that our great Obafemi Awolowo, Nnamdi Azikwe, Baba Olatunji and dem were frats? E so ara yin o!!
I cant even tell my folks, i already know they will not listen to any explaination. IT IS A CULT, they will say. Thats what other adults around here said already, talk less of my folks who are not even here in the states.
I wonder how many of you my naija people out there are frats or sorors who understand what i am saying. even if your greek experience has been different; If you r out there, or you have an opinion about this, lemme know whachu think.
I REP MY FRAT!!!

My first time...

2007-11-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

I was the kind of guy that always had chicks milling around so pretty much everybody assumed that i was not a virgin...well, that was not true. fact is that i was scared of having sex as i never did it before. I left high school and the farthest i went was fingering a girl when we were on lunch break and i went around giving boys to smell and i was like the big dawg for that, little did i know that was less than half the fun sef!!
Sha, i went on to college, i was an upwardly mobile kid who got into OAU at 15 for double elect, still a freaking virgin but it never really bothered me till i got this roommate in ETF hall. This boy was in his second year when i was a jambite and he was a self proclaimed sex god. He kept on telling me about the beauties of the art of sex, he broke it down to me and really gave me dubs on the whole topic, by the time i was a 2nd year stalite, i had a jambito girlfriend who was like 3 years older than i was (yes, i was that good!!)
We got to kissing and touching in the car several times but whenever she wanted to do the do, i always had a lame excuse like "i want to drink water" or "let us go get something to eat, i am hungry"
One day, this chick just gave it to me straight say she need to get served as i dey gawk my responsibilities, i said ok, next time we reach this point, i will show you who i be. she said "abi you are a virgin ni?" i was like " you must have lost your mind, just wait and see."
i ran to my roommate, "Ol'boy, ol'girl don ask me say she wan fuck o, wetin i go do?" dude, gave me my first 'gold circle' and told me to go for it, he knew i was ready. lol!!
If you know Ife well, you will know that there r some places like 'motion ground', 'spyda building' and dem where the do goes down; usually orientation for jambito girls by stalite boys or vice-versa in extreme cases. if you wanna do the do or watch the do, you knew where to go.
I sha took my babe and said "lets go for a drive" she already knew what i meant cos i did not say any other word before or after that till we got to our destination, 'spyda building'. we drove round to the back of the building to where the halogen lights were out, and we parked the car. you could cut the tension in the car with a knife. I turned on some westlife, (those guys can get a girl set, trust me) I was so much on my game that you would have thought 'shit, this dude is smooth, he must do this a lot'
we got to kissing and i expertly unhooked her bra with the snapping motion of the thumb and the middle finger. She was impressed. I then slipped my left hand under her dress and held her right breast, it was already turgid and the nipple was at attention. By now, i was kissing her neck and nibbling on her ears. She was so turned on by that time that she started to take off her pants herself. I moved my hand from her tits to her already wet pussy and found the clit in no time. ( this sounds pretty experienced for a first timer huh? props to my roommate) i was thanking him as i saw the effects of the shit i was doing to her. she was twisting and turning now so i decided it was time; i unzipped my pants and brought out 'kpakos momentos' for the first time for a girl and used one hand to slip my gold circle on (another expert move), reclined her seat and decided not to outdo myself, i went for the ever simple missionary position. i gently lowered myself into her and it was like i heard a choir behind my ears singing the halleluyah chorus and light coming out from behind the clouds, i was entirely feeling like i was out of my body, the tightness and the wetness, her look when i came in, her gasp, the whole thing was like Whoa!!!! i started thrusting slowly, in and out and her moans encouraged me. By this time, the car windows were all fogged up. she was moaning loudly and i was enjoying myself to no end and then....
Kra! Kra! Kra!! somebody tapping on my window, shouting " come out here!! God don catch you today!!! na you dey come here dey steal from this building!!!" Naturally, ol'girl starts to panic but i just calmly got off her and got on my seat in the driver's side. I guess that experience just gave me some major balls. "What is it?" i asked calmly after winding down, they said come out. Girl was panicking and quickly pulled up her pants. came out of the car already and was on her knees begging the guys on her side of the car, i did not see that cos i was focused on the guys on my side. they were like "settle boys so we dont tell anybody what you were doing here and you can go back to what you were doing" i said " 1st, i cant go back to what i was doing, at least not today, and secondly, you are going to tell who what? who cares? it is the general order of things on this campus" i sha talked to them about how we should squash this and go our separate ways. look at this boys trying to gba me like say i be jambito, i was not having that. unknown to me, the jambito on the other side, thats my girl already gave the other boys all her money so they will not talk to anybody about this.
They let us get back in the car and she was crying now, told me to drive away from there. i was just calm but she was crying and then after a while she told me to stop and she was raving mad that i was calm as i was. she said "drop me here, i cant stand you right now" , "what did i do now?" i asked, " you need to calm down, she was crying convulsively now. damned jambite! lol!
i sha calmed her down and dropped her off in front of her dorm in Mozambique hall. I told her i was sorry about what happened and assured her that there is nothing that just happened that was uncommon on OAU campus. I told her everything was going to be alright. gave her a hug and kissed her lightly on the lips. then let her go. I watched her walk into her dorm and all i could think was " I cant believe i had sex today!!!!"

God Bless America!!!

2007-10-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

Like i said before, I am a truly innocent naija boy who was thrown into the chaos craziness of 'yankee'.

I was a JJC in the states o, on the bus, minding my business. meanwhile, being new in the states, i was still trying to figure out where all the pretty girls i used to see in the movies were, cos i sure was not seeing any of them around. I had hopes that all those pretty girls i see in the yankee movies will be hanging out all over the place, you know... i was about to give up on the hopes of ever getting a shot at a pretty movie-type yankee girl. On this day, i was about to be lucky.
So i was on the bus and this akata chick, fine as hell, long hair, big breast, nice ass (as i later found out cos she was sitting when we met) pretty smile...digression... anyway, so she asks me for directions to the street where she was going, and me being jjc, could not help her, and i told her so. she however did not stop there, asked me for my number cos she was new in town and needed a friend...Halleluyah!!! ehn? anyway, lets not get too excited yet. so we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.
Weeks later, i get a call and its akata girl. she wanted to hang out and by this time, i got a car so i said i was going to pick her up. she said i should park in a shopping complex around the corner and that she will meet me there(curious thing right? but my raging testosterone had clouded my brain).
To cut the long story short, that night, while we were out, she says to me "I wanna fuck you". Ehn?!!! i was like "sorry, what did you say?" and she said "i said i wanna fuck you, you scared?"
Ha!! me? Naija Boi? scared? lmao!!! the abruptness of such a request was just crazy, you damned skippy i was taken aback for a while, only for a while sha, before yours truly stepped up to the plate and said "me? scared? do i look scared to you? shit! lets do it!!"
This akata chick basically could have been a porn star for all i know. she first told me to just lay on my back and had a long 'discussion' with my 'kpakos momentos', i was like "God Bless America" Then when fuck time came, she was vicious, a gymnast, Omo, all that was going through my mind was "chei, i love this yankee man" it was sweet sweet welcome to yankee orientation. the night ended on a very good note, you boy was a happy mthfkr by the time i was going to bed.
Guess what, this chick called me the next day and in the middle of gist said that she had a 10-month old baby girl who is with her mom in Pennsylvania and that she is currently living with her baby daddy who just came out of jail (that explains why i had to park at the shopping center earlier, remember?) ehn? mo gbe!!! na which kain thing be this? i have to run away...but pussy too good... must get some more of that... i was basically under akata pussy-hypnosis. she said she was trying to turn her life around and she wanted to do it with me by her side, i guess i made an impression last night. she wanted to move out of ex-con's house and start afresh so i was like ok. she said she needed me to help her move her stuff and that i should come by the house when ex-con was out to help her get her stuff. and i did. if na naija, they would have said she used jazz on me, but omo, that thing she gave me last night was fire, stronger than jazz sef.
I went to the house, the neighbourhood sef was the kind that if smthn had happened to me there,the first thing naija pple will ask me is "so how did you get there?" you will never see naija pple around there. it was 'so so so hood'
so i went into the house while ex-con dude was out and as we were trying to pack, she unzipped my pants again and gave me a thank you in advance. please keep in mind that my brain was malfunctioning at this time, if not, why would i be fucking an ex-con's girlfriend in his own bed? i was definitely out of my mind.
sorry, did i mention that she was 4 years older than i was?
anyway, we sha moved her stuff out later that day and i left with my life intact, thank God.
she wanted to go into a relationship with me but she made the mistake of telling me that ex-con dude was trying to get back with her and was blowing up her fone, looking for her and telling her he will fuck her up if he ever catches her and her new boyfriend (me). i said ehn? laye!! me i did not come all the way from naija to come to yankee and get killed over a girl i barely know. so i was like i really am not ready for a relationship, and she was like ok, she will wait but we must continue fucking in the meantime. sometime around this time, i regained my God-given sense and changed my phone number and lost hers. might sound cruel but i did that to save both my life and hers cos this dude was in for attempted 1st degree murder. i was not interested in being part of statistics, the first naija to get killed over a girl within a month of getting to yankee, God forbid!!!
Sha, everytime i think of that chick tho, all i can say is "God Bless America!!!" walahi!!

I REP NAIJA!!

2007-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am a Naija in diaspora and once u leave the shores of motherland, you begin to crave everything nigerian. its crazy!! all the sorts of naija music i never used to pay attention to now get me all hyped and excited. the food...OMG!! the rot of some of the areas even...i crave that too. When did i become a junkie for everything naija? when did i begin to think that "fuji" was a great form of music? or that 'galala', the most erratic dance i ever seen, is so smooth?..........the day i left naija's shores.
Pidgin english becomes boys' first language, it is our best bet of re-assuring ourselves that we still got it... Naija, in us. We speak nothing else around each other. You are considered to be a 'faker' if u act like you cant speak 'pidgin'.
I am no Faker!!! I rep NAIJA!!!

Nice to meet you

2007-10-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

I know, i know...everybody claims to be innocent...in the beginning. lol!!
But on the real tho, i am. raised in church, raised to abide by all the rules if not, i answered to the merciless belt of daddy.
my folks were the types that never let anything slide, they saw everything, they knew everything, but why does that not stop a kid from being bad?
Just juvenile folly, i was so bad that my parents figured that the ever so effective nigerian flogging was of no effect with me and they turned to use my mortal fear against me...'stooping down' or 'picking the pin' or 'maize planting' (it is known by many names but the general idea is to bend over and touch the ground with one finger and raise one leg off the ground). the punishment was staying in that position without changing hands(fingers) or switching legs.
My folks knew that i was deathly horrified by the thought of stooping down. I was no punk as a kid, you could tell me you will flog 'shege'(the hell) out of me and i will be fazed none, but the moment i hear "go and stoop down dia" i just start crying and basically beg for a whooping instead. After i figured that they knew my mortal fear and were ready to use that against me to the max, guess what i went and did...
i started practicing stooping down when they go out. perfected the art of stooping down so that when they said "go and stoop down dia" i am like " itz all good" and i will be balanced for long enough to get my dad frustrated(cos he always sat beside me and it was xmas for him when i faltered or stumbled, he will use that as an excuse to flog me and send me back to the position). Believe me it felt good to get him frustrated at his own game... however, like i said earlier, I am an innocent naija boy, been that way since...since Idi-amin ruled naija. lmao!!! yup, nice to meet you too.